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Carla D
True BYH Addict
I don’t know when a doe is in heat yet. Ginger did accept one of my bucks this morning. But, she made him work for it first. Darn tease.
Carla D-Great new adventures and an Amazing Life
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Carla D
True BYH Addict
This may not be an appropriate place to share this but I’m going to anyways. My middle brother just passed away. I’m having very mixed feelings about the news as well. This is the very same brother that would attack me with a baseball bat after school everyday for a couple of months. He has been in the corrections system since he was 13 years old. He was up for release from prison sometime in the next year or two. I have had nothing but fear for my life and safety and of those who mean the world to me. I had been preparing myself to protect myself and the ones I love most in life at all costs. I hate my brother. But, I have also found it in my heart to not wish him any harm and to find happiness, as long as he stayed far, far out of my life. I know I should feel sad for his loss of life but I don’t. I should feel relieved that he will never cause me or anyone harm ever again. But I don’t. I know I should want to be there for my mom, dad, and brother. Yet I don’t feel like I have any business being around for them as they mourn. I haven’t shed a single tear as of yet. The warden just called my mother about ten minutes ago and explained to her that they had been treating him medically all day. He had a medical emergency and that he crashed and they weren’t able to revive him. We don’t even know what the medical situation was at this point. We will find out more in the morning. I don’t feel anything. Nothing at all. I have no desire to see him one last time or go to his funeral. I’m not sure what my parents will plan for him. I know I have to go for my mom, dad, and baby brothers sake. I have not seen this brother for at least 15 years, probably more than that. He’s 43 years old, spent the last 25-28 years in federal prison for all of the crimes he committed and people he had harmed. Now what?
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IMHO...
I have estranged myself from my family for a variety of reasons. I haven't/hadn't spoken to my mother or father since early ~2014 after a major confrontation. My father died in the fall of 2014 from a final fight with cancer. I wasn't there, before, during, or after. My mother is still alive, I haven't spoken to her and doubt I ever will again, unless she initiates the communication with an apology. My youngest brother was the main reason for everything that took place. He died in 2015 from throat cancer. I didn't see him, wasn't there for him, before, during, or after. My middle brother caused his own set of issues and incidents and I broke off communications with him back in 2010. I haven't seen or spoken to him since and don't expect I ever will. My oldest sister drove me away with her actions more than 20 years ago. I will never see or speak to her again, and for all intents and purposes, she doesn't even exist to me. My middle sister and I still communicate, generally once or twice a year at holidays. I have visited with her within the past year, but don't see her often.
The point I'm making here is that you feel the way you do justifiably. You do NOT owe your siblings or your parents anything on your brother's behalf. Their relationship with him was theirs... NOT yours. You have/had no relationship with him for many, many years. IMHO, you should treat it as if you never even knew him. Put the pain from the past back in the past and move ahead.
I have estranged myself from my family for a variety of reasons. I haven't/hadn't spoken to my mother or father since early ~2014 after a major confrontation. My father died in the fall of 2014 from a final fight with cancer. I wasn't there, before, during, or after. My mother is still alive, I haven't spoken to her and doubt I ever will again, unless she initiates the communication with an apology. My youngest brother was the main reason for everything that took place. He died in 2015 from throat cancer. I didn't see him, wasn't there for him, before, during, or after. My middle brother caused his own set of issues and incidents and I broke off communications with him back in 2010. I haven't seen or spoken to him since and don't expect I ever will. My oldest sister drove me away with her actions more than 20 years ago. I will never see or speak to her again, and for all intents and purposes, she doesn't even exist to me. My middle sister and I still communicate, generally once or twice a year at holidays. I have visited with her within the past year, but don't see her often.
The point I'm making here is that you feel the way you do justifiably. You do NOT owe your siblings or your parents anything on your brother's behalf. Their relationship with him was theirs... NOT yours. You have/had no relationship with him for many, many years. IMHO, you should treat it as if you never even knew him. Put the pain from the past back in the past and move ahead.
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- #494
Carla D
True BYH Addict
Thank you @Latestarter. He really hasn’t existed in my life for the last 30 years other than to torment me or trigger my ptsd. I do feel for my family. I want to pack my hubby and daughter up and go on a hiatus for a month or so. At least until all of this has been put to rest. Someplace warm and sunny with lots of things to explore, people to meet and watch, and just escape for a while. Texas actually sounds enticing. I have a few friends there that own farms/ranches that I would love to meet.
Baymule
Herd Master
Where else would you share this but with your BYH family? We provide an objective sounding board with none of the family drama. Your brother sounds like someone to stay far, far away from. It is nothing to feel bad about, because you don't want to go to his funeral. Your parents may grieve for him, but you don't have to. If you want to go to support your parents, that is up to you, but don't "guilt" yourself into it.
Now what? Now you go on with your life, safe from that creepy feeling up your back because you know a predator is out of prison and may have you and your family in his crosshairs. Done. Over. Take a deep breath. Yes, it is appropriate to say a prayer and thank God for your freedom from worry.
The worst of the worst criminals came from somewhere, someone and have family. They didn't just drop out of the sky. You were unlucky enough to have a brother who drew the criminal card. He was a person that you would have never had any contact with, had he not been your brother. He is gone. You are free. Now go hug that precious little girl.
Now what? Now you go on with your life, safe from that creepy feeling up your back because you know a predator is out of prison and may have you and your family in his crosshairs. Done. Over. Take a deep breath. Yes, it is appropriate to say a prayer and thank God for your freedom from worry.
The worst of the worst criminals came from somewhere, someone and have family. They didn't just drop out of the sky. You were unlucky enough to have a brother who drew the criminal card. He was a person that you would have never had any contact with, had he not been your brother. He is gone. You are free. Now go hug that precious little girl.
Bruce
Herd Master
I agree, you have no reason to feel any sadness at his passing. I would go to a funeral only if it is necessary to not cause a rift with the rest of the family that you do care about and they care about you. Talk with your parents and find out if they "need" you to be there. They know the history and may well understand.
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Carla D
True BYH Addict
Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. After a couple of hours of thinking about it I have come to realize a couple of things. 1. My parents may not even have a funeral. Because he was incarcerated most of his life he didn’t really have many friends if any. There really is only the four of us plus my family and my brothers daughter. They may do a cremation and a very small graveside gathering. Let’s hope that’s what they plan on doing.
2. Even if my parents do decide on the entire formal shebang that doesn’t mean I can’t simply go to whatever they have planned. Go to it, give them hugs, say I love you, and leave.
He has been dead to me since I was a teenager. The only reason I went to the prison to visit him several years ago was out of respect for my mother. She had wanted all of us kids together for some odd reason around Christmas time 15-20 years ago. I obliged her with that request. I’d only been there one other time prior to that. It was so uncomfortable I vowed to never go there again. All I would be doing if I showed up to a formal gathering would be paying my respects to my parents and youngest brother. I may not even need to go to his final gathering if there is one. Thank you for all of your kindness and support. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
2. Even if my parents do decide on the entire formal shebang that doesn’t mean I can’t simply go to whatever they have planned. Go to it, give them hugs, say I love you, and leave.
He has been dead to me since I was a teenager. The only reason I went to the prison to visit him several years ago was out of respect for my mother. She had wanted all of us kids together for some odd reason around Christmas time 15-20 years ago. I obliged her with that request. I’d only been there one other time prior to that. It was so uncomfortable I vowed to never go there again. All I would be doing if I showed up to a formal gathering would be paying my respects to my parents and youngest brother. I may not even need to go to his final gathering if there is one. Thank you for all of your kindness and support. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
Senile_Texas_Aggie
Herd Master
Miss @Carla D,
Sorry, but I am just now reading all of this. I agree with the others -- do what is best for you. And also try to think of how you will feel a year from now after you have made your decision to either go or not go. Will you be glad you didn't go, or will you have regrets? Will you be glad you went, or will you have regrets? It may be hard to imagine, but you will think about it after it is done. But the most important people to think about is you, your husband, and your little girl. Miss @Baymule gave sound advice -- hug that precious little girl and tell her that you love her.
Senile texas Aggie
Sorry, but I am just now reading all of this. I agree with the others -- do what is best for you. And also try to think of how you will feel a year from now after you have made your decision to either go or not go. Will you be glad you didn't go, or will you have regrets? Will you be glad you went, or will you have regrets? It may be hard to imagine, but you will think about it after it is done. But the most important people to think about is you, your husband, and your little girl. Miss @Baymule gave sound advice -- hug that precious little girl and tell her that you love her.
Senile texas Aggie
