CntryBoy777
Herd Master
So Good to hear he is doing as well as he can, at this time.....hope he continues to improve and his acceptance of the possible limitations will go well, too.....
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Farmerjan's journal - Weather
- Thread starter farmerjan
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mystang89
True BYH Addict
I feel sympathy for your father because of the freedom that he's lost. He's having to go from being able to take care of himself to not being able to use part of his body or even feed himself.
You all are being great children though, remembering his sacrifices to you and your siblings, sacrificing your time for him. That is wonderful to see!
You all are being great children though, remembering his sacrifices to you and your siblings, sacrificing your time for him. That is wonderful to see!
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farmerjan
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My brother sent a message and said that my father is not as responsive and is sleeping alot. He has been eating some, being fed, but has diarrhea and they are making my brother wear a gown and gloves and having to wash before he leaves in case there is any bacteria he may have contracted. I have suggested that it also might just be the change of diet. I know older people, and even I, will see a change in bodily functions if I drastically change my diet and he has certainly gone from one extreme to another. He said that he has a very long row to hoe as far as any rehab and recovery. I am glad that it is my brother that may have to make these decisions at this point. He is going to have to also take into consideration my mom's situation, and I think that is going to be a hard decision. But there are several things to be considered, and if my father is going to be in rehab long term, and not knowing what he might be able to do in the long run, then skilled care may be the best option for them both. Even if he regains all his speech, if he is unable to use his right side/arm/leg etc., he will not be able to stay at home without help and my mom's situation needs care 24/7. He was providing what she needed at night and they had help 12 hrs. a day.
I do realize he is just out of surgery, and it was major and he has come back better than I think they expected. But a stroke that did that much damage will be hard for him to manage his own difficulties. He will be in no position to take care of her at all. I guess at this point they are trying to get him strong/well enough to go into the stepdown and then rehab and to determine what he might be facing. I think this has become much more difficult than what my brothers were first facing; the reality of the stroke causing major loss of use of his right side.
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and concerns. At this point, I think that all we can do is wait and see if there are any significant developments. I know that my son will be going up as soon as it is deemed sensible, since he has not been up for at least a year. I am glad that I went in late March, it had been 2 years since I had been up. I feel that there are going to have to be some very difficult choices as far as their future living situation and my father probably is not going to be able to accept his limitations very well. He likes to be in control and now he is not of even his own body. You never know, things may turn out better than I think. Time will tell.
I do realize he is just out of surgery, and it was major and he has come back better than I think they expected. But a stroke that did that much damage will be hard for him to manage his own difficulties. He will be in no position to take care of her at all. I guess at this point they are trying to get him strong/well enough to go into the stepdown and then rehab and to determine what he might be facing. I think this has become much more difficult than what my brothers were first facing; the reality of the stroke causing major loss of use of his right side.
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and concerns. At this point, I think that all we can do is wait and see if there are any significant developments. I know that my son will be going up as soon as it is deemed sensible, since he has not been up for at least a year. I am glad that I went in late March, it had been 2 years since I had been up. I feel that there are going to have to be some very difficult choices as far as their future living situation and my father probably is not going to be able to accept his limitations very well. He likes to be in control and now he is not of even his own body. You never know, things may turn out better than I think. Time will tell.
Mike CHS
Herd Master
I really feel for what you're going through and very happy your brother is standing up.
CntryBoy777
Herd Master
......hoping for a good "outcome" with recovery and rehab.....it will be difficult for them to be separated from each other....having been together for so long....certainly have to hope for the Best....
Baymule
Herd Master
This is going to be hard, any way you look at it. There is no easy way to deal with any of this. This is your parents, your Mom and your Dad, you love them and want the best for them. There will be some hard decisions to be made, but all you can do is the best you can do. If your siblings have it handled and don't want your help, then so be it, you offered. Big hugs to you my friend.
Senile_Texas_Aggie
Herd Master
Miss @farmerjan,
I want to thank you so much for sharing your struggles with us here on BYH. It means a lot to me and others, and I hope that by sharing your struggles with it helps you some as well. Please know that you are in our thoughts and we wish the best. Let us know what we can do to help.
Senile Texas Aggie
I want to thank you so much for sharing your struggles with us here on BYH. It means a lot to me and others, and I hope that by sharing your struggles with it helps you some as well. Please know that you are in our thoughts and we wish the best. Let us know what we can do to help.
Senile Texas Aggie
Bruce
Herd Master
- Thread starter
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farmerjan
Herd Master
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Just a short update. He does have a bacterial infection causing the diarrhea, and they have moved him to the infectious diseases area with restricted access by outsiders. I get that. But due to his condition, the lawyer says they have to follow the protocol in the living will since he is not really able to talk or answer coherently. This restricts only my brother and the one close neighbor friend, and the aids, to staying at the house overnight. So any of us from out of town - which is EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY - can visit with my mom but none of us can stay overnight in the spare room. That has been procedure for years, we were always "welcome" to come stay. This is an example of my father's ridiculous "control". Like any of us is going to move in and takeover at this point. This totally limits now any thought of me possibly retiring and going there to stay with my mom, or even to move there to take care of them both if he is able to come home. Even if he becomes more coherent and back in "control" I wouldn't go unless there were some other changes in the living will.
My other brother who has the tree farm has a trailer on it, that he will stay overnight in but it isn't hooked up to electric or water or anything, just a "rough it" place when he is up there. He plans to build a house when he retires in about 2 years. So he is talking to a neighbor where he manages another tree farm to see if they can access to the farmhouse that is there. It is not lived in but used by the family for trips up there, like a vacation home.
This is the short sighted bs my father has implemented prior to anything happening, so that the favored brother has total control.... but the lawyer has said that even he cannot authorize anyone else staying there. The neighbor lady is a great person and she stayed with my mom a few times so I have no problem with that..... but really.... we can't go visit and stay overnight so as to not have to drive miles or pay excessive amounts for motel rooms just to visit like I did in late March?
Maybe, when he gets better enough to go to rehab, my brother can talk some sense into him to get him to change things enough so that like my sister can go up for a weekend to stay or for whenever my son decides to go up. I get his not wanting anyone to move in and take over..... but NO ONE can stay even one night overnight?????? I will not be offering to do anything else at this point, until there is a little sense injected into the situation.
Understand, I am NOT blaming this brother, even though we are not on the greatest of speaking terms. From what my sister said, he was unaware of this until my sister was talking about going back up to visit and then the current move to the infectious section of the hospital, and I guess he has to keep the lawyer in the loop because of having medical poa and such.
Sorry for the rant, but if I can't say it here, don't know where else. @CntryBoy777 I am sure can relate to some of the stupid, senseless ridiculous stuff that you just never expect......
I don't want his damn house, I don't want to move in and take over something that is not mine..... and I can honestly say that the 3 of us that have always gotten along have all said the same thing. So the only one who might feel slighted is the only one who can do anything anyway.....????? But as controlling and paranoid as my father is and has been, he has made it nearly impossible for any of us to try to get along and work out a sensible solution to anything. It is like he has tried to pit us against each other for the years he did not have much to do with this brother when he was younger......
For anyone who has things like this, make sure that even if there are family members that you do not want to get control of things, you do not make it impossible for them to try to at least visit, and have a relationship with other family members. I get that there needs to be restrictions in some families and that there are always some that will take a mile if given an inch... but this is plain stupid on his part. This has thrown a real monkey wrench into a situation that totally does not need to be there. Simply stating that no other family member could move in permanently without some sort of agreement, like I offered to move and help out for awhile, limiting any visiting to a certain length of time, something, other than outright, no one can stay overnight...... when it has been the practice all along..... things like this you may not think about, needs to be thought about.
There were better ways to look at this than what he so selfishly, and in the long run unfairly, did to make it more difficult to have contact with our mom, or even to be able to visit with him. None of us is poor, but neither are we rich, and having to pay for overnight accommodations is just plain ridiculous under the circumstances.
My other brother who has the tree farm has a trailer on it, that he will stay overnight in but it isn't hooked up to electric or water or anything, just a "rough it" place when he is up there. He plans to build a house when he retires in about 2 years. So he is talking to a neighbor where he manages another tree farm to see if they can access to the farmhouse that is there. It is not lived in but used by the family for trips up there, like a vacation home.
This is the short sighted bs my father has implemented prior to anything happening, so that the favored brother has total control.... but the lawyer has said that even he cannot authorize anyone else staying there. The neighbor lady is a great person and she stayed with my mom a few times so I have no problem with that..... but really.... we can't go visit and stay overnight so as to not have to drive miles or pay excessive amounts for motel rooms just to visit like I did in late March?
Maybe, when he gets better enough to go to rehab, my brother can talk some sense into him to get him to change things enough so that like my sister can go up for a weekend to stay or for whenever my son decides to go up. I get his not wanting anyone to move in and take over..... but NO ONE can stay even one night overnight?????? I will not be offering to do anything else at this point, until there is a little sense injected into the situation.
Understand, I am NOT blaming this brother, even though we are not on the greatest of speaking terms. From what my sister said, he was unaware of this until my sister was talking about going back up to visit and then the current move to the infectious section of the hospital, and I guess he has to keep the lawyer in the loop because of having medical poa and such.
Sorry for the rant, but if I can't say it here, don't know where else. @CntryBoy777 I am sure can relate to some of the stupid, senseless ridiculous stuff that you just never expect......
I don't want his damn house, I don't want to move in and take over something that is not mine..... and I can honestly say that the 3 of us that have always gotten along have all said the same thing. So the only one who might feel slighted is the only one who can do anything anyway.....????? But as controlling and paranoid as my father is and has been, he has made it nearly impossible for any of us to try to get along and work out a sensible solution to anything. It is like he has tried to pit us against each other for the years he did not have much to do with this brother when he was younger......
For anyone who has things like this, make sure that even if there are family members that you do not want to get control of things, you do not make it impossible for them to try to at least visit, and have a relationship with other family members. I get that there needs to be restrictions in some families and that there are always some that will take a mile if given an inch... but this is plain stupid on his part. This has thrown a real monkey wrench into a situation that totally does not need to be there. Simply stating that no other family member could move in permanently without some sort of agreement, like I offered to move and help out for awhile, limiting any visiting to a certain length of time, something, other than outright, no one can stay overnight...... when it has been the practice all along..... things like this you may not think about, needs to be thought about.
There were better ways to look at this than what he so selfishly, and in the long run unfairly, did to make it more difficult to have contact with our mom, or even to be able to visit with him. None of us is poor, but neither are we rich, and having to pay for overnight accommodations is just plain ridiculous under the circumstances.
RollingAcres
Herd Master
Nothing to be sorry about @farmerjan . Rant all you want and we are here to lend an ear. Really sorry that you and your family have to deal with this.
