I wasn't on yesterday but I was angry, angry at myself, angry at the world, angry at fate for being so cruel.... I am not really ready to share this but I feel I must. My eyes are tearing up now as I think about it.....
Tuesday evening I went up to the ban to do evening barn chores. It was cold, had been cold for days but it was down below zero. It was getting dark and my lights weren't quite on yet (the damn twisty bulbs take forever to light up) I checked the water buckets to see if they needed filling. I saw one of the chickens had fallen in and drowned. This seems to happen occasionally, especially in the winter when the heated buckets are the only source of open water. I walked over to fish it out and saw black. Damn, the black hen was one of my favorites. I reached in and I fished out.... Quark. My sweet little baby boy had fallen in the bucket and drowned.
I collapsed on the barn floor, I bawled my head off and rocked his tiny body in my arms. I am not sure how long but my husband found me there when he got home. It must have been over an hour. I wailed and cried. I cursed the fates. It is not right that such a sweet, innocent little creature should die such a horrible death. Why had his guardian angels abandoned him now?
This has hurt so much, knowing he died in such a manner. He didn't deserve this. It isn't right. Live was too cruel to him. I can't fix it, I can't make him better. I failed this tiny bundle of joy that I was given. I didn't deserve him.
I am from a farm family, I have a commercial farm. We have losses, I know that, I accept that.
I can't accept this. Not Quark, not this way.
I have to go, I am sitting at my desk bawling my head off again.
The weather forecast shows nothing above freezing for the next 10 days, won't get out of the single digits for 4 of them. I'm terrified we are going to loose more kids with this cold snap. There are 19 does that can go at any time and there is nothing else I can do to make it any warmer.