Southern by choice
Herd Master
Well... here ya go.
Instead of all of us discussing what MR A should do or not do I think the bigger picture is being missed.
MrA may just have very healthy boundaries. Relationships starting out should never require anyone to give up anything- either party. Relationships are based on mutual interests, goals etc.
I wrote this in hope of being able to bring some light to a situation, I also have attached a link that is actually for divorced men but is still applicable.
~Although I was not asked I am going to say it anyway. I know many want to but are hesitant to do so. This is a community of sorts, and we grow to care about one another. Because of that I feel compelled to speak up.
None of us know the reasons for your recent divorce, and we don't need to. Regardless of the reasons. regardless if it has been loveless, regardless if it has been abusive, regardless if it was amiable, the reality is divorce takes time to heal from.
Where there was neglect, infidelity, lack of love, attention etc there is a place of hurt. That hurt needs healing.
Where there was abuse be it physical or emotional there needs healing.
Divorce is often compared to a death, The emotional strain and upheaval in a person is only second to the loss of a loved one.
Often, recently divorced men and women will be flailing internally. Looking for that love or attention they did not receive, looking for that feeling that they ARE desirable, worthy, etc. Looking for validation.
When someone has been married a long time and suddenly divorced they find themselves alone. They have not been alone in a true sense. They may have been or felt alone in an emotional sense but there was that other person voicing their opinions, disapproval, approval, control or whatever.
One of the hardest things to do is be alone.
Learning to be alone is key to healing and becoming strong enough for a healthy relationship. The key word- healthy.
Without learning to be alone a person cannot find themselves, remember you have been entwined with another... the years together and the reason for the split wasn't something that happened overnight so healing from it doesn't either.
Jumping into a "rebound" relationship is dangerous. It is not good for either party involved. Often because no healing has taken place once the newness and "high" of the relationship wears off the person finds they have landed in the same situation but couldn't see it because on the surface it all seemed so different. Those rebounds fulfill an immediate need of some sort. The other party is not dealing with a whole and healed person, they are getting someone that is hurt, or fractured, needs healing and hasn't taken time to learn about themselves.
The other party may be a truly wonderful person yet they will be the one dealing with the aftermath and the damage done from a bad marriage. The hurting party can, not meaning to, end up really hurting the new person. Heartache for both parties follow. Usually based on underlying expectations that were not met in the marriage and are now being brought into a new relationship.
The other side is who is the new person? Are you walking into something that is equally unhealthy, abusive, one who can spot someone who is vulnerable?
Are you willing to give up your passion, hobby, love for another person?
Boundaries are very important. Looking from the outside, and as the comments are presented, Mr A. could appear selfish because of the cat situation, or never leaving Alaska etc. BUT maybe Mr A just has good boundaries. Mr A may know himself well enough and have good enough boundaries to truly know what he is willing to do or not do. He sounds as though he is stating those things so as to not give a false impression. Not everyone can understand when someone is being direct. Boundaries are something that seems almost lost in our culture today. Moving boundaries to appease someone else in the long run will not be healthy for either party. Establishing boundaries up front is important.
Is the need to not be alone causing you to make decisions that you may regret down the road, such giving up the things that mean the most to you? What effect do you think that will have on you long term? What about the other party, once those things are realized and resentment of bitterness comes in?
One of the most important things you can do for you and all future relationships is to learn to love yourself, learn to be alone, learn who you are again. Enjoy being you, being with you. Find your identity.
With your Mr A- take it slow, for the both of you.
I think this puts it very well...
https://mensdivorce.com/wary-rebound-relationships/
Instead of all of us discussing what MR A should do or not do I think the bigger picture is being missed.
MrA may just have very healthy boundaries. Relationships starting out should never require anyone to give up anything- either party. Relationships are based on mutual interests, goals etc.
I wrote this in hope of being able to bring some light to a situation, I also have attached a link that is actually for divorced men but is still applicable.
~Although I was not asked I am going to say it anyway. I know many want to but are hesitant to do so. This is a community of sorts, and we grow to care about one another. Because of that I feel compelled to speak up.
None of us know the reasons for your recent divorce, and we don't need to. Regardless of the reasons. regardless if it has been loveless, regardless if it has been abusive, regardless if it was amiable, the reality is divorce takes time to heal from.
Where there was neglect, infidelity, lack of love, attention etc there is a place of hurt. That hurt needs healing.
Where there was abuse be it physical or emotional there needs healing.
Divorce is often compared to a death, The emotional strain and upheaval in a person is only second to the loss of a loved one.
Often, recently divorced men and women will be flailing internally. Looking for that love or attention they did not receive, looking for that feeling that they ARE desirable, worthy, etc. Looking for validation.
When someone has been married a long time and suddenly divorced they find themselves alone. They have not been alone in a true sense. They may have been or felt alone in an emotional sense but there was that other person voicing their opinions, disapproval, approval, control or whatever.
One of the hardest things to do is be alone.
Learning to be alone is key to healing and becoming strong enough for a healthy relationship. The key word- healthy.
Without learning to be alone a person cannot find themselves, remember you have been entwined with another... the years together and the reason for the split wasn't something that happened overnight so healing from it doesn't either.
Jumping into a "rebound" relationship is dangerous. It is not good for either party involved. Often because no healing has taken place once the newness and "high" of the relationship wears off the person finds they have landed in the same situation but couldn't see it because on the surface it all seemed so different. Those rebounds fulfill an immediate need of some sort. The other party is not dealing with a whole and healed person, they are getting someone that is hurt, or fractured, needs healing and hasn't taken time to learn about themselves.
The other party may be a truly wonderful person yet they will be the one dealing with the aftermath and the damage done from a bad marriage. The hurting party can, not meaning to, end up really hurting the new person. Heartache for both parties follow. Usually based on underlying expectations that were not met in the marriage and are now being brought into a new relationship.
The other side is who is the new person? Are you walking into something that is equally unhealthy, abusive, one who can spot someone who is vulnerable?
Are you willing to give up your passion, hobby, love for another person?
Boundaries are very important. Looking from the outside, and as the comments are presented, Mr A. could appear selfish because of the cat situation, or never leaving Alaska etc. BUT maybe Mr A just has good boundaries. Mr A may know himself well enough and have good enough boundaries to truly know what he is willing to do or not do. He sounds as though he is stating those things so as to not give a false impression. Not everyone can understand when someone is being direct. Boundaries are something that seems almost lost in our culture today. Moving boundaries to appease someone else in the long run will not be healthy for either party. Establishing boundaries up front is important.
Is the need to not be alone causing you to make decisions that you may regret down the road, such giving up the things that mean the most to you? What effect do you think that will have on you long term? What about the other party, once those things are realized and resentment of bitterness comes in?
One of the most important things you can do for you and all future relationships is to learn to love yourself, learn to be alone, learn who you are again. Enjoy being you, being with you. Find your identity.
With your Mr A- take it slow, for the both of you.
I think this puts it very well...
https://mensdivorce.com/wary-rebound-relationships/
