# Ever considered throwing in the towel, and done it?



## Sweetened (Mar 23, 2015)

I have said countless times to innumerable people: "The key to farming is going to bed having quit, and waking up a farmer."

I quit last night, and woke up jobless.

Losing kids, potentially losing dams from those same complications, putting down goats that come up inexplicably sick or dying the day after they showed no symptoms, it has all really taken its toll, and there is no one to blame but myself for decisions that get them there.

About 6 months ago, I ended a friendship with a family because I believed they were negligent and unwilling to learn from mistakes.  They lost all 15 lambs born on the farm, plus bottle lambs, several ewes including one who prolapsed after FF to a 14lb ewe lamb (deceased), their goats are left in with bucks year round when weather is not condusive to it and wander, literally, 7-10 miles away from home because they are not confined in any way shape or form.  Of 200 meat birds, 7 made it to butcher, their 3 pigs are STILL not butchered because they won't make weight as they are only fed hay -- they are 2.5 years old and smaller than my 6 month old oat fed pigs.  My last straw with them was their great pyr's embedded collar.

And now here I sit, mulling over my last two months.  Bear, one of our outdoor dogs, euthanized after getting into porcupines for the 4th or 5th time, after escaping an 8ft high kennel I had installed a topper on because he was escaping the day before, for no reason.  Odin died inexplicably; I was loading hay into the buck pen and heard the most painful, horrifying bellar coming from the shed.  Necropsy revealed nothing.  His guts were working, his urinary tract wasn't blocked, he was full of food and water, his liver and other organs appeared fine, just as he did the day before.  The only thing we could see was his ears had frost bite, and he died the day after we had the +3C to -33C overnight.  Edward and Pearl died because I didn't tube them and I made the assumption they were getting enough, and last night I put a bullet in Oscar, my buck for next year, because I found him sprawled out and seizing when we went in to deal with Tootsie's teats.  He was mildly dehydrated, despite having watched him drink water.  He would be 8 weeks today and this morning would have been his last bottle.  He wasn't growing, but was eating well and consuming water.  So either I weaned him too quickly, he had that G6 gene, or something else is going on.  We don't have a parasite problem this time of year, and I usually treat once when it hits 10C regularly as we end up with a flare up.  I cannot figure out if it's my well water, which is not treated, but everyone around here is on the same aquafer and raises cattle and goats and so on on it.

I am tired of death.  I never wanted to be that friend I walked away from because I believe if your animals suffer under your care, you must be rid of them, that THAT is your obligation: to provide a life without suffering for those in your charge.  Death is part of farming, but this... this is too much.  At this point, once the girls are healed from their scabs, they will all be sold and I will be out of goats, except for the pet buck Sven who has, thus far, survived my care.  We will nut him and get him back to a pet -- it was our plan for next year anyway.  Inside this is a catch 22.  The farm is supposed to become my source of income, and without goats to provide meat (bucklings), milkers (FF doelings, trained to stand), milk (for cheese, soap and personal use), a large chunk of income is not an option.  We will have a cow next month (which I'm now questioning), an older 12 year old dexter and her calf, but she cannot provide the same meat, milkers and milk turnaround a small herd of goats can.  A heifer calf would be kept as a replacement for her and not produce for about 2 years -- a bull calf would be kept for meat for our family.

The towel is tossed.  I don't know how to negotiate what to do when it lands.


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## Hens and Roos (Mar 23, 2015)

so sorry for your heartbreak and hard decisions, just know that we are sending prayers for strength your way.


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## hilarie (Mar 23, 2015)

There are no words that make this all right.
We've all heard them:  You fall down six times, you get up seven.
This is part of life.
Hang in there, it'll get better.
Bullsh*t.  I say, sometimes there's no such thing as gravity; the world just SUCKS.  Sometimes you couldn't catch a break if St. Peter himself handed it to you.
It's been an unprecedently horrible winter in my corner of the world (New England) and I'll bet in your part of Canada too.  That'll suck the life out of you and your animals both.  It makes you weary and sick and sad, and it makes that towel wicked heavy.  I too have had my worst breeding season yet this year, but nothing on a par with your losses, so I totally feel your pain over the constant setbacks and lack of light.  I can't answer whether tossing that towel will make you feel lighter; I only know that, for me, much as I sometimes hate drag-assing that thing around, my hands have to curl around something, and as long as there are people like your former friends who let their collars get imbedded (I swear I see red just thinking about that), I have to keep doing this to make sure *someone* does it right, even if every birth gets F*@^ed up and those little malpresented does die and the favorites get mastitis despite your best efforts. Because no matter what I want to do, it's what I am, not what I do.  Namaste, my far away friend.  Blessings, and good luck


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## mysunwolf (Mar 23, 2015)

Honestly, I have considered throwing in the towel many times over smaller problems than the ones you are facing. Sounds like you have done an incredible job holding on as long as you did, with much more attentiveness and caring towards your animals than most people! hilarie is right... sometimes life is just an AWFUL NIGHTMARE. So maybe getting completely out of farming will make it better, or maybe it would be better to ride it out. Just remember that even if you get out of the game now, you can always start up again in the future. And seriously, I hope you get at least a few good things coming your way soon


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## bonbean01 (Mar 23, 2015)

I have no advice...in your place, I have no clue if I would toss the towel or shred it to pieces while cussing a blue streak, or crying into it.  Just sent up a prayer for you and know that so many of us care and feel for you sweetie!  The saying that with livestock, it is inevitable that with that comes deadstock...is just that...a SAYING...doesn't help diddly squat.


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## alsea1 (Mar 23, 2015)

Sounds like you have def. had a rough go of it.
I would ponder it some more before you toss that towel.


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## Chivoville (Mar 24, 2015)

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. All I can suggest is to take a little time to make the final decision - maybe you will feel differently once spring arrives. It sounds like the harsh weather played a big part in what has happened.  Yes, I did throw in the towel a little over a year ago with my goats after we lost some triplets and I knew it was my fault...I sold the buck and literally gave away the 3 girls you see in my avatar because I wanted them to go to a good place.  I regret it now.


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## Southern by choice (Mar 24, 2015)

Sweetened, I have been following this thread and your others.

Yes, we all know there are hardships and loss in farming, BUT only you know when too much is _just too much_. 
Foe many of us we have had the thought of throwing in the towel. Each time I have had those thoughts it has been in winter when the mud became unbearable and all the issues and hardships associated with it. In my mind I would give it some time and tell myself this too shall pass. At the same time you are about to embark on a brabd new adventure! You are going to be a mom! Truth is your baby will need your attention and time considerably in that first year. 
Throwing in the towel is not always permanent but more often temporary. Sometimes it is a season for something else. 

It has been a real trial for you and so much to deal with. You can always start a new herd another time. Meanwhile build a quarantine pen and always quarantine new animals, as that one animal can and as you have seen, did affect your whole herd. very sad situation for all. 

If you throw in the towel you have not failed, just realized the time is maybe not right at the moment. You care for your animals and will put their best interest first. That is not selfish, but being a good and wise steward of all you have been entrusted with.

Cyber hugs will have to do.


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## jodief100 (Mar 24, 2015)

My deepest condolences for your loss.  Farming is a struggle, a challenge, a difficult lesson in life and death.  I have been so close to where you are more than once.  Last winter was tough, we lost 16 kids to the cold.  Not freezing but suffocating when they huddled together for warmth and got caught on the bottom of the pile.  It seemed like every morning was time to go and "bring out the dead".  This winter has had it struggles too, we lost two kids to freezing but luckily none to smothering.  Why I am still soldiering on, I have no idea. 

So I understand where you are, I have been there.  Maybe you are smarter than I, going on to other endeavors.  Look at this as an opportunity, to reassess, to plan, to grow and to learn.  Take a step back and look at everything this world has to offer, make your plan and go forward.  You will find your path.  You are smart enough to know your limits, strong enough to make the right choice and determined enough to succeed. 

We will all be thinking of you, you are our friend and we will be here for you, no matter where your path may lead.


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## Southern by choice (Mar 24, 2015)

Very well said Jodie!


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## Bossroo (Mar 24, 2015)

I feel for you and your situation as most of us have been there too.  One thing that may not have crossed your mind is to continue as best you can to keep up with your place as well as all of your animals in the best condition as possible until you make a decision of what you will do and do it. Since the bleeding heart types may see a sick animal or a dead one  at your place and in their horror just may turn you in to the humane society and/ or pita ... they will hound you mercilessly. A friend , in a situation similar to yours finally had a nervous breakdown from their harassment, animal seizeure , and appearance in court for animal abuse.   I wish you the best of luck !


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## HoneyDreameMomma (Mar 24, 2015)

I'm so sorry for this terrible situation  .  In times of death and loss on my farm, I often wonder at the opposition of it all.  The joy of helping bring new life into the world and caring for the animals we love brings such incredible joy, but losing the animals that bring us this joy can cause some of our biggest sorrows.  Sometimes the joy is worth the sorrow, and sometimes it can be overwhelming.  Only you know what's best for this time in your life, and what you can handle.  Please know that all of us support you in whatever you choose.  I know we're all virtual, but I think I speak for the group when I say, if there is any way we can help, please let us know.


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## bonbean01 (Mar 24, 2015)

Throwing in this towel now does not mean you won't get a new towel and start again one day.  Southern made an excellent point...you are going to be a first freshener yourself soon and perhaps this is not the best time for critters .... when is your little bundle due to arrive?  You may find it a relief to be able to concentrate on your own sweet blessing full time  

And as Honey said...we may be virtual, but we truly care and will support you in whatever you decide and will help if we can


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## Sweetened (Mar 25, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your honesty.

No matter what is decided, I will not, in good conscience, be able to sell these animals until they have fully recovered, lost all scabs, and been bathed (I cannot imagine this process).  In the very least, they will be here another month and things may or may not have changed by then.  The towel may be picked up, or I might have run it over a hundred times with the lawn mower.  Getting out of them now that we have dealt with one of the few severe strains of soremouth seems almost silly now.  Our chances of dealing with a case this severe again have thinned tremendously; still exist, but not as easily.

I love my girls, but I cannot bear the thought of their lives here being filled with a lack of care, which is the feeling that has overwhelmed me.  Loving something isn`t enough.  Hoarders love their animals, but they love them to -death- and that`s the inherent problem.  I do not do well with loss or failure -- in job interviews, when asked my biggest fault, I have always said I am extremely hard on myself.  Lives are in the balance here, so that intensity goes up.

I love all of you.  This is a great community and I`m glad to be part of it.


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## MsDeb (Mar 25, 2015)

Your post, and your circumstances, breaks my heart. I can only repeat what the others have said because they have offered so much wisdom.  Take it one day at a time and see what each day brings.  You know you aren't done today because you still have care to provide.  Time will tell. Until then, please try to be less hard on yourself. (Easier said than done.)  Sometimes things just suck and there probably isn't anyone here who, under the same circumstances, some known and some unknown, wouldn't have had the same (awful) experiences.  Prayers that you find the path you are meant to follow.    And more of these little guys who are just hugging their hearts out to you!


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## GLENMAR (Mar 25, 2015)

I think about it all the time. Would it be better to travel the world than be stuck on the farm? Maybe. I do miss traveling.  But for now, the farm is where I belong.


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## greybeard (Mar 25, 2015)

> *Ever considered throwing in the towel, and done it?*



I've done it twice over the decades, but because of high prices beef cattle were bringing, and am thinking about it again. It's hard to pass up liquidating a whole herd when they are bringing the prices they are, but will have to wait and see what the spring sales are going to do. Thought very hard about it in 2011's drought and taking a big loss. But that's not an emotional loss or heartbreak like you are going thru..

Sorry to hear about your losses Sweetened. It does sound like it is all or mostly weather related, since the losses are across more than one species and over an extended period of time. Animals can stand lots of cold, as long as that is all it is--cold. But they can't stand cold+wind+wet very well. I worry less about mine when the temp is 15°F and clear than I do when it is 40°F, rainy and wind blowing, and it doesn't take much of that miserable weather to drag their survival ability down. You have much much colder weather and snow to boot, which I have no experience with but people do raise livestock successfully in that clime and worse. All we can do anywhere, is try to find out what happened and why and try to move forward, tho it sure sounds more like a string of separate and different causation over a period of time that add up to emotional disappointment.  Sometimes, we just have a bad year. One of my neighbors lost (last year) 2 calves to feral dogs, a yearling sized steer died for no apparent reason, coyotes got a 3 day old calf, his family milk cow developed mastitis in 2 qtrs, a promising bull and prospective future herd sire has no libido whatsoever, and his favorite dog and years long companion died. Individually, the emotional and financial loss is manageable, but cumulatively, very  hard to take.


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## BlessedWithGoats (Apr 10, 2015)

I too am sorry for your losses Sweetened! Prayers sent your way! 
This year was a bad year for us with chickens too... we lost (I don't even know how many) chickens, including my three favorites.  I also lost my 8 year old rabbit (not surprised at that one), and 5 out of 7 of my rabbits' first kits. I know death is a part of life, but it is hard.
I like what @bonbean01 says about we will support you in whatever you decide... well said!


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## promiseacres (Apr 11, 2015)




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## SkyWarrior (Apr 27, 2015)




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