# My BJ, My Husband has Died



## Baymule

BJ passed away September 20 with Covid Pneumonia. We both were sick, but he got worse and I took him to the hospital. He rallied and I thought I would be bringing him home, but that was not to be. The hospital called me that morning to tell me that they were putting him on a ventilator. BJ could hear me and we talked. We told each other that we loved each other. He was concerned over me, I told him that I was getting better and would come see him in a day or two. Just a few hours later, the hospital called back and he was gone. The only thing I have to be happy over that is that God was merciful and my BJ didn't linger for weeks and weeks. 

I am devastated. I am lost. I am missing the love of my life, my best friend, my everything. On February 14, 2021, we were married 25 years. I am so blessed to have been loved so greatly. Most people live their whole lives and never have what we had. We did everything together. We never went anywhere without the other one. We were together on everything. Everyone who knew us could see the love we had for each other. He proclaimed his devotion to me to everyone. People only had to spend only a couple of minutes with us to see how much we adored each other. 

I've been very weak. My neighbor Robert has come over twice a day to feed and care for my animals. Only a few days ago I could finally walk to the sheep barn and sit in a chair while he fed. I am pushing myself to do a little more each day. This morning I went and sat with Sheba and Sentry. They gave me lots of hugs and licky-face. Ringo came to me and the young ewes that he is with now. I got my sheep therapy. I cried, hugged dogs, hugged sheep and Ringo. I finally gathered myself together and fed the sheep, first time in weeks. 

I am going to put the farm up for sale. BJ and I had been talking about moving farther south to be closer to family, so this is not a sudden rash decision. At this point, I don't know what I want to do. My son has a house on 2 acres that he bought to be a rental. Covid dropped the bottom out of everything and he just sat on it. He parks his RV in the yard and has been staying in that. House needs a little work, mostly it's stuff I can do. When I sell this place, I'll take my sheep and dogs and move to his house. It is located in Trinity county, I'll be 2 hours closer to my DD and family and I'll be an hour from my sister. Then I'm going to just hunker down for awhile and let time do what time does. Layne, my son, has two 40' Connex boxes that I can out outside stuff in. We are going to move a small 8'x10' portable building that I have, for  a feed room. I'm keeping most of my sheep and my dogs. I'm selling my horses to a neighbor that is thrilled to have them. I've given away my chickens and the hoop coop to a disabled couple. 

I need to get stronger, back to my tornado self, and get things done. Once I sell this place and move to my son's house, I will just stay there for awhile. God will open doors and show me the way. I don't know what that is yet, but I do know that I don't want to be here any more. 

I'm having BJ cremated. He had a deep rooted fear of being dumped in a hole in the ground and left alone. He would get real emotional about it. We discussed cremation and that is what he wanted. I promised him that I would keep him with me and that he wouldn't be alone. Someday, my kids will have to do the same for me and put us somewhere together.

I finally folded and put away clothes that sat on the sofa for weeks. I finally got the blue jeans out of the dryer, yesterday. Dishes piled up and I struggled just to eat and drink. Food was either so salty tasting that I wanted to throw up or it was so sweet that I spit it out. I could drink milk. I've gone through a couple gallons of milk. For some reason, I can eat Eggo frozen waffles and orange juice.  I'm getting my taste back, but I'm not cooking. In a little while, I'm going to town for onion rings. That's what I want today. 

Coffee is still in the pot. I realized that was the last pot of coffee my darling made for me. It has mold floating in it. I look at it and cry. Maybe in the next few days I can bring myself to pour it out, clean the pot and make myself some coffee. 

I'm so lost.


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## promiseacres

@Baymule I'm SO SO very sorry! Typed words mean nothing but my heart absolutley is breaking for you! My condolences to you.


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## frustratedearthmother

Bay, my heart breaks for you.  I know you and BJ were each other's world and your world has been yanked out from under your feet.  You were truly blessed to have had the love you had.

It's too early right now, but I hope that soon his memory will bring smiles instead of sadness.


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## Thefarmofdreams

I'm so, so sorry for your loss Bay.  My thoughts will be with you during this difficult time.


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## Poka_Doodle

Bay, my heart sank when I read the title. I can not even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. Just want to let you know that we are family here and we are here for you. Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you. Sending you my thoughts and prayers.


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## Bruce

😢
I'm so sorry Bay, what an awful thing to have happen. I'm glad you had those 25 great years together. I'm glad you are recovering physically, emotionally will take a long time if not forever.


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## Alasgun

@Baymule we’re very sorry to hear about your Husband.
 Isaiah 40; (They that wait upon the Lord) is the first thing that came into my head as i read your heartfelt story.
It’s a beautiful worship song And i hope it might bring some small consolation during this time of grief?
Ruth and I will keep you in our prayers.


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## messybun

Baymule, I am so sorry for your loss. But I’m also amazed by you, you should be proud of yourself. 
Perhaps, when you’re ready, you can pour the coffee into a potted plant to keep with you.
God bless and you are in my prayers.


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## farmerjan

My love to youand tears for you both. My heart hurts for you.


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## Simpleterrier

Sorry to hear that. We will be praying for you


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## Jesusfreak101

Oh Bay i am so sorry my heart is breaking for you. If you need anything just let us know. We might not have much but we have the ability to move furniture and help where we can.


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## rachels.haven

Oh no, Baymule! I'm so sorry for the loss of your soul mate. Nothing we could say could come close to comforting you, but please make sure you are reaching out and getting the help and care you need. You are very loved.


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## Marie2020

No words I'm totally blown by this news. 

I've missed you my dear lady and praying you'll come back to us us soon. For now all I can do is send you my love and let you know I'm thinking of you.  💞


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## Blue Sky

Dear Baymule I am so very sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers truly.


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## Mini Horses

this is such a tragedy.....he was your soulmate!  I'm praying for you.


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## Madhouse Pullet

Baymule said:


> BJ passed away September 20 with Covid Pneumonia. We both were sick, but he got worse and I took him to the hospital. He rallied and I thought I would be bringing him home, but that was not to be. The hospital called me that morning to tell me that they were putting him on a ventilator. BJ could hear me and we talked. We told each other that we loved each other. He was concerned over me, I told him that I was getting better and would come see him in a day or two. Just a few hours later, the hospital called back and he was gone. The only thing I have to be happy over that is that God was merciful and my BJ didn't linger for weeks and weeks.
> 
> I am devastated. I am lost. I am missing the love of my life, my best friend, my everything. On February 14, 2021, we were married 25 years. I am so blessed to have been loved so greatly. Most people live their whole lives and never have what we had. We did everything together. We never went anywhere without the other one. We were together on everything. Everyone who knew us could see the love we had for each other. He proclaimed his devotion to me to everyone. People only had to spend only a couple of minutes with us to see how much we adored each other.
> 
> I've been very weak. My neighbor Robert has come over twice a day to feed and care for my animals. Only a few days ago I could finally walk to the sheep barn and sit in a chair while he fed. I am pushing myself to do a little more each day. This morning I went and sat with Sheba and Sentry. They gave me lots of hugs and licky-face. Ringo came to me and the young ewes that he is with now. I got my sheep therapy. I cried, hugged dogs, hugged sheep and Ringo. I finally gathered myself together and fed the sheep, first time in weeks.
> 
> I am going to put the farm up for sale. BJ and I had been talking about moving farther south to be closer to family, so this is not a sudden rash decision. At this point, I don't know what I want to do. My son has a house on 2 acres that he bought to be a rental. Covid dropped the bottom out of everything and he just sat on it. He parks his RV in the yard and has been staying in that. House needs a little work, mostly it's stuff I can do. When I sell this place, I'll take my sheep and dogs and move to his house. It is located in Trinity county, I'll be 2 hours closer to my DD and family and I'll be an hour from my sister. Then I'm going to just hunker down for awhile and let time do what time does. Layne, my son, has two 40' Connex boxes that I can out outside stuff in. We are going to move a small 8'x10' portable building that I have, for  a feed room. I'm keeping most of my sheep and my dogs. I'm selling my horses to a neighbor that is thrilled to have them. I've given away my chickens and the hoop coop to a disabled couple.
> 
> I need to get stronger, back to my tornado self, and get things done. Once I sell this place and move to my son's house, I will just stay there for awhile. God will open doors and show me the way. I don't know what that is yet, but I do know that I don't want to be here any more.
> 
> I'm having BJ cremated. He had a deep rooted fear of being dumped in a hole in the ground and left alone. He would get real emotional about it. We discussed cremation and that is what he wanted. I promised him that I would keep him with me and that he wouldn't be alone. Someday, my kids will have to do the same for me and put us somewhere together.
> 
> I finally folded and put away clothes that sat on the sofa for weeks. I finally got the blue jeans out of the dryer, yesterday. Dishes piled up and I struggled just to eat and drink. Food was either so salty tasting that I wanted to throw up or it was so sweet that I spit it out. I could drink milk. I've gone through a couple gallons of milk. For some reason, I can eat Eggo frozen waffles and orange juice.  I'm getting my taste back, but I'm not cooking. In a little while, I'm going to town for onion rings. That's what I want today.
> 
> Coffee is still in the pot. I realized that was the last pot of coffee my darling made for me. It has mold floating in it. I look at it and cry. Maybe in the next few days I can bring myself to pour it out, clean the pot and make myself some coffee.
> 
> I'm so lost.


My heart just hurts for you Baymule. I am saddened by this news.
BJ was very lucky to have you as you were to have him 💜 that is a wonderful treasure. 
I am dearly sorry for your loss.


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## Baymule

Thanks to all my dear friends. I'm going through my phone this morning, sending pictures to some friends that are going to put together a memorial service for my beloved. We will have one in Livingston, where we both lived for 30+ years (we didn't know each other back  then) and we will have one here in Lindale where he was also loved. 

I am drinking coffee this morning, the first in awhile. No, haven't cleaned the coffee pot yet, I'll get to it. I boiled it in a pot on the stove. I had my Eggo toaster waffle and orange juice. I'll get dressed in a little bit and go outside and feed the sheep. Can't carry the water buckets yet, much thanks to my buddy and neighbor, Robert for helping me so much. I may go to their house after while for coffee and a visit. 

I just finished going through my phone. I'll post these here. We had stopped at a huge convience store called Buc-ees and were clowning around with my daughter. 
Y'all enjoy.


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## BarnOwl

Oh no, I am so sad to hear this. I don't post here very often, but I visit the forum often and have enjoyed reading about your animals and farm. I am glad that you will be able to move closer to family and take some of your animals with you. SO very sorry to hear of your loss. Thinking and praying for you.


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## Mike CHS

Great pictures and thanks for the laugh also.


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## TexasLisa

Bay, you are in our hearts and prayers.  Ken and I are here if you need us.


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## SA Farm

I’m just starting to get back into reading on here and I see this!
I’m so so very sorry for your loss. There aren’t enough hugs in the world to send you!


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## Finnie

I can’t believe this. I’m so sorry.  ❤️


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## Finnie

Baymule said:


> Thanks to all my dear friends. I'm going through my phone this morning, sending pictures to some friends that are going to put together a memorial service for my beloved. We will have one in Livingston, where we both lived for 30+ years (we didn't know each other back  then) and we will have one here in Lindale where he was also loved.
> 
> I am drinking coffee this morning, the first in awhile. No, haven't cleaned the coffee pot yet, I'll get to it. I boiled it in a pot on the stove. I had my Eggo toaster waffle and orange juice. I'll get dressed in a little bit and go outside and feed the sheep. Can't carry the water buckets yet, much thanks to my buddy and neighbor, Robert for helping me so much. I may go to their house after while for coffee and a visit.
> 
> I just finished going through my phone. I'll post these here. We had stopped at a huge convience store called Buc-ees and were clowning around with my daughter.
> Y'all enjoy.
> 
> View attachment 87736
> 
> View attachment 87737
> 
> View attachment 87738


I remember when you posted those. I’m glad your friends are doing a memorial photo thing. When my father in law died, they went through photos and made a poster board of them. My father in law was such a character. HUGE sense of humor! My husband left for Michigan the day he died to be with his mother. Both his sisters flew in from Colorado. I had to stay in Indiana for a few days and then bring my kids up to Michigan. I really missed out, because they went through all the photo albums, and when I got there, I was still crying, but they were yukking it up and laughing their heads off from all the funny memories of Dad. They apologized, but I get it. You couldn’t talk about my father in law without smiling and laughing. It hurt to lose him, but it was great to know and love him, and we wouldn’t give up any of those memories for the world.

You will grieve and cry and be lost. But make sure you and the kids laugh and talk about the funny stuff, because those are the parts of BJ you don’t ever want to slip away. ❤️


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## Alaskan

Well, I bawled my heart out. 

I wish words could express how much I hurt for your loss.

Having a partner so in step with you is an incredibly rare treasure. 

It is a wonderful thing that you had each other for as long as you did.

I hope that the good Lord sees fit to have your place sell at a good time for you, and for a huge sum, so you at least will be set money wise and will have no stress in that regard. 

It is good that you will be with your son,  and closer to family.


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## Grizzlyhackle

I've been wondering where you were. So sorry kid.


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## BaBaaHMonica

I am so sorry for your loss.  I feel as though I Have known you for years because I have read so many of your posts. My heart hurts for you.  Big ugly crying.


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## Senile_Texas_Aggie

Just heard the news.


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## heidil

I'm so sorry to hear of your beloved's passing.  😢  I pray that you'll find comfort in your memories, from your friends/loved ones and in the knowingness that he is enjoying the unfathomable gloriousness of the other side right now.  💗


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## Baymule

I had a wonderful day yesterday. The deal with the neighbor buying 2 horses fell through, so I listed them on Craigslist. I put up pictures of Prince and Pearl and got tons of responses. I priced them at $500 each. I priced them low so that if there was a family that wanted a horse, but couldn't pay $2,000 and up, maybe my babies could find a good home. Sparkles weighed heavy on my heart. At 36, with a bad case of heaves, I knew no one would want her. I made plans to put her down. There was no way I was going to take her to auction because she would be shipped to Mexico for slaughter. 

I emailed back and forth with Rachal about Prince. Her husband was working in Louisiana and wouldn't be home till the weekend. I told her that I wouldn't hold Prince so she loaded up her kids and drove an hour to my house. She absolutely fell in love with him. She facetimed her husband. I picked up Prince's feet. Then I walked away so they could talk. 
she said she would go to town to an ATM, get money and come back. By this time it was getting dark. I told her to follow me to town to an ATM because I didn't want her coming back in the dark on country roads she didn't know with those kids in the car. So that's what we did. Then I had to email all the responses I got that Prince was sold and I took his pictures down.

I also got a lot of responses on Pearl. One lady stood out from the others and she wanted to come the next morning (yesterday). I said 10, they were at the gate at 8:30! They were excited. They looked at Pearl and wanted her. I explained my situation and my plans for Sparkles. so that they would know why I was selling my horses. They said they would be back with the money and a trailer. I lowered the price on Pearl to $400 because she had lost weight and looked so poor. I had to rely on neighbor Robert to feed while I was sick with Covid and she requires more than he was able to do. This couple has a Gypsy Vanner stallion they want to breed Pearl to.

Rachal texted that her husband Rueben was rained out, could they come get Prince? Yes! It would be late afternoon. Then before they even came to get him, they went to a saddle shop and bought a saddle, bridle, feed tub, brushes, halter, leadrope, and asked what bit. I took pictures of the bit, a curb with copper roller and cut back shanks. I measured it on the mouthpiece so they could get the right size. They wanted everything perfect for Prince.

DeeDee and her husband came back for Pearl. As she led Pearl out of the horse lot, Sparkles nickered for her friend. We loaded up Pearl. DeeDee asked me what I was going to do with Sparkles and I said it was going to be a couple of weeks before I could put her down, so I guess I was going to give her treats and extra attention since she would be alone. 

DeeDee said, "I'll take her".
Me, "You will?"
Husband, "What are you doing?"
DeeDee, "You didn't hear her nickering for her friend?"
Husband hung his head, shaking his head. He was whupped before he even got started and he knew it. 
I started crying and hugged DeeDee and told her she didn't know what that meant to me, it had been heavy on my heart. I had Sparkles 23 years and I sure didn't want to put my old friend down.

Turns out that they have a retired Chicago police horse officer for a neighbor. She brought her old service horse with her and he had died last year at 37. DeeDee was going to breed Pearl, then put the two mares at her neighbor's where she could drink her coffee on the porch and look at the horses. She said the neighbor fed her old horse twice a day and spoiled him with lots of love and would be delighted to have the two mares to care for. Sparkles loaded right up. 

I was beside myself with joy. Pearl and Sparkles get to stay together and will be in a place where they are loved. I can't wait to see pictures of Pearl's foal. 

Rachal and Rueben came to get Prince. I let them use my trailer because they didn't have one. Prince had been lonely all afternoon. Prince refused to load. He didn't want to leave. My sweet, in-your-pocket horse fought like a demon possessed. We weren't getting anywhere. I got a long rope out of the truck. Rueben grinned.
Me, "You know what this is for, don't  'cha?"
Rueben, "Yes Ma'm."
Me, "Then let's do this."

We tied the rope to one side of the trailer and ran it behind Princes butt and up the other side of the trailer. Out the other other side and put Rachal to hold the rope. Rueben on the lead rope and I swatted Prince's butt. Things got really interesting at this point. Prince gained a few more demons and fought like a cougar was on his back. He reared, he fell over, he reared and pawed at the trailer. At one point, Paris, Trip and Carson decided we needed their help and rushed Prince barking. Prince broke in half over that, rearing, kicking and he fell over and landed on Paris. I grabbed the lead rope as he got up, headed for anywhere but here. Paris decided she had enough of "helping" and went off to lay in her favorite hole. Prince fought us for an hour and a half. Rachal got rope burn and her fingers smashed against the trailer. Good way to break in a new horse owner. LOL

We finally wore Prince down. I got in the trailer on the lead rope with Rueben on the butt rope. I petted Prince, talked to him, and he was listening now. I got him right up to the trailer, his front legs were right up against it. His back was hunched up a little from Rueben holding steady on the butt rope. 
Me, "Rueben, come pick up his feet."
Rueben handed to butt rope to Rachal and picked up a front foot and placed it in the trailer. I pulled gently on the lead rope and Prince picked up the other foot and came up in the trailer. He was exhausted. Rueben tied him and we unlaced the butt rope from the sides of the trailer and they were on their way. 

When they got him home, he wouldn't come out. It took them 30 minutes to convince him to come out of the only thing that remained of his old home. Rueben brought the trailer back and we talked a little bit. He said he was used to women saying things like OH don't hurt my BABY! while the horse is pounding on him. So when I brought out that rope, he knew that I knew what I was doing. We worked together as a team, in a dance with a horse flailing out in all directions and each one of us knew where to be and what to do. 

So Prince is now in a home with 4 kids, a mom that is brand new to all this and a dad that knows his stuff. I gave the little girl a book on braiding manes and tails and she gave me a tight squeezing hug. 

My 3 beloved horses all have good homes. I looked out the kitchen window this morning like I do every morning and there is no view of my horses any more. But I am happy. God brought two families for my horses and I am at peace.


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## Jesusfreak101

Makes loads better when its good people  who pick up your animals and will love them!


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## Thefarmofdreams

Bay, I feel your pain on rehoming your fur-babies.  I went through that when my oldest son was little and I couldn't support everyone.  It is SO HARD.  I'm so glad you found wonderful homes for them!! It is definitely easier knowing they're loved and happy.  

My thoughts are still with you through all of this!


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## Margali

Bay, this is so rough and you have our well wishes. I'm so glad you were able to find good homes for your horses! Snip and Aria will have a good home here. 

Let me know if I can help now or when you move. We have a 7x16 trailer cargo trailer and can make it a trip to visit family in Houston.


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## Baymule

Thanks @Margali i do appreciate that. I know Snip and Aria will be in a good place with you. I have a cull ewe and her twins that I don’t like, that I’ll take to auction in a couple weeks. I’m also going to take Star, that white ram. I don’t need him, so he has to go. All of this will reduce my numbers to a manageable level. I’m going to put the farm up for sale in March, have twin lambs now plus 3 more that are due. So I’ll have lambs for sale in January-February to take to auction.

Ive got to get my farm stuff moved! I don’t want early shoppers thinking they get EVERYTHING! Aww HE!!! NO!


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## cats_incredulous

Loss of any kind is devastating, particularly yours.  Only time can heal and how we wish it could be modulated to speed up.  If you want to take naturopathic remedies to help balance your nervous system, let me know I can help you, and I will get them for you at my cost (50% off).


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## Ridgetop

We will be back in TX early November or early December.  Need to be home for Thanksgiving since DS3 is hosting entire family.  He has already cleaned out the disaster playroom, installed new cabinets and sleeper sofas and is figuring out where to put everyone.  Can't disappoint him. 

If you have some stuff sorted to take down to Trinity, we can rent a U-Haul for the pickup and take a load in that as well as in your stock trailer.  Once you know what you need to do to the new house, we can help you do painting, or fix ups. Or at the current house.  Let us know what you need and we will bring our tools too.


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## Baymule

Ridgetop said:


> We will be back in TX early November or early December.  Need to be home for Thanksgiving since DS3 is hosting entire family.  He has already cleaned out the disaster playroom, installed new cabinets and sleeper sofas and is figuring out where to put everyone.  Can't disappoint him.
> 
> If you have some stuff sorted to take down to Trinity, we can rent a U-Haul for the pickup and take a load in that as well as in your stock trailer.  Once you know what you need to do to the new house, we can help you do painting, or fix ups. Or at the current house.  Let us know what you need and we will bring our tools too.


I love ya'll so much!


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## Baymule

Margali said:


> Bay, this is so rough and you have our well wishes. I'm so glad you were able to find good homes for your horses! Snip and Aria will have a good home here.
> 
> Let me know if I can help now or when you move. We have a 7x16 trailer cargo trailer and can make it a trip to visit family in Houston.


I just might take you up on that girlfriend!


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## Poka_Doodle

Bay, I nearly cried reading about your old friends. I know it must be hard doing what you are doing for them, but it is amazing to see how much you care about them, and getting them into good homes.


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## Baymule

I went to the funeral home today and picked up BJ in a box. BJ in a Box sounds like a catchy name for a new toy doesn't it? Just don't open the box. 

He's on an end table in the living room. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I think I just joined the Club of Crazy Old Widow Women who talk to their husband in a box or urn or whatever. At least mine has a catchy name.


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## Alaskan

Baymule said:


> I went to the funeral home today and picked up BJ in a box. BJ in a Box sounds like a catchy name for a new toy doesn't it? Just don't open the box.
> 
> He's on an end table in the living room. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I think I just joined the Club of Crazy Old Widow Women who talk to their husband in a box or urn or whatever. At least mine has a catchy name.


 

Anyone worth knowing is never all right in the head. 

Us crazy folks are the best folks.  

At least you talk to ashes...  I talk to myself, while at the grocery store.


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## Thefarmofdreams

Baymule said:


> He's on an end table in the living room. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I think I just joined the Club of Crazy Old Widow Women who talk to their husband in a box or urn or whatever. At least mine has a catchy name.


For what it is worth, I think talking to him is a very normal, healthy part of grieving and remembering.




Alaskan said:


> At least you talk to ashes...  I talk to myself, while at the grocery store.


Wait.... that isn't normal?  What about talking to the items as you pick them up?  Is that better?


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## Bruce

Dad has my stepmother's ashes in an urn in the bedroom, she died 14 years ago. Still there as far as he's concerned (no he isn't loony). 



Alaskan said:


> I talk to myself, while at the grocery store.


That is fine as long as part of that discussion isn't "What did you say?"


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## Alaskan

Bruce said:


> That is fine as long as part of that discussion isn't "What did you say?"


I think my most common phrases are "WHAT were you thinking?" and "What blast all did I need to buy?"


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## Bruce

Oh, I know BOTH of those conversations! They are perfectly legit


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## farmerjan

I used to get teased for talking to myself sometimes.  My pat answer for that...."Yeah, I talk to myself, because that is the ONLY way I get an INTELLIGENT ANSWER".... that stops them in their tracks for a few moments..


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## robhuncor

Baymule said:


> I went to the funeral home today and picked up BJ in a box. BJ in a Box sounds like a catchy name for a new toy doesn't it? Just don't open the box.
> 
> He's on an end table in the living room. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I think I just joined the Club of Crazy Old Widow Women who talk to their husband in a box or urn or whatever. At least mine has a catchy name.


There is something very comforting knowing the essence of your loved one is near.  I brought my Dad's ashes home with me when I was worried my Mom might misplace him as she began to suffer from dementia.  He was on my dresser with a little vase of flowers or memorial memento near him.  When I needed comfort, I would pick up the box and hold it for a bit.  It was quite heavy and reminded me that all my Dad ever was to me was still there and uplifting me.  14 years later, when Mom died, I placed his ashes in her casket over her heart, as they wished.  The service celebrated them both and I felt privileged to have been the caretaker of his earthly remains until he went to join her - two soul mates together again.

My sincerest condolences to you, Bay.  I have followed your adventures in your "Paradise" and know the joy both you and BJ were experiencing.  His loss is a true tragedy but you must be an exceptionally wonderful person to have so many friends and acquaintances already coming forward offering meaningful help and support in your time of need.  In spite of this unexpected turn of events, you will survive and flourish again.


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## Baymule

robhuncor said:


> There is something very comforting knowing the essence of your loved one is near.  I brought my Dad's ashes home with me when I was worried my Mom might misplace him as she began to suffer from dementia.  He was on my dresser with a little vase of flowers or memorial memento near him.  When I needed comfort, I would pick up the box and hold it for a bit.  It was quite heavy and reminded me that all my Dad ever was to me was still there and uplifting me.  14 years later, when Mom died, I placed his ashes in her casket over her heart, as they wished.  The service celebrated them both and I felt privileged to have been the caretaker of his earthly remains until he went to join her - two soul mates together again.
> 
> My sincerest condolences to you, Bay.  I have followed your adventures in your "Paradise" and know the joy both you and BJ were experiencing.  His loss is a true tragedy but you must be an exceptionally wonderful person to have so many friends and acquaintances already coming forward offering meaningful help and support in your time of need.  In spite of this unexpected turn of events, you will survive and flourish again.


That is beautiful. Than you for posting that, I'm tearing up, but that is such a comforting post. Someday when I'm gone, I want us placed together, and one of my kids will have to do what you did.


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## Baymule

I finally dumped out the sludge in the coffee pot yesterday and cleaned it up. I'm making progress.

@Devonviolet and her husband came by yesterday and we had a great visit.


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## farmerjan

So glad that you got to visit with @Devonviolet  and her husband.  How are they doing?  Did they ever get the aquaponics thing set up?  Are they still growing alot of their own food even though they don't have the goats anymore?  Miss seeing her post. 

Friends don't fill up the empty lonely times but they do help to balance the memories.....


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## Blue Sky

This may be hugely inappropriate I’ll check back and delete if need be. My birth family could make a commercial for Ronco. 
“The Ronco Problematic, it slices, dices, shouts, flouts and pouts. Comes with baggage. Just add alcohol for fun filled holidays.” Or funerals. After a rollicking afternoon in an attorney’s office discussing a deathbed will presented by a wicked stepmother, my brother and I went to pick up his (not my- and that’s a story) father’s urn. We were alone and ever the prankster he says “catch!” Urn sails in a beautiful arc and I catch it. Just in time to pull a straight face as the director walks in. “Good thing the top was on tight or you’d have some ‘splainin to do Lucy.” I told my bro. The only time I ever rendered him speechless. People can act strangely at times like this. 
And keep your eye on the class clown…


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## Baymule

Haha, that’s funny. Actually it sounds like something I would do.

I went with my cousin to pick out a casket for her mother. Cousin had cared for her mom for 5 years, even sleeping with her because her mother would stop breathing. Cousin was shattered. I told the funeral silly mortuary jokes, don’t even know where I got them from. I asked him if the casket was soundproof because my aunt needed to Rest In Peace and not be disturbed by noise. Look on his face was priceless. My cousin nearly peed herself.
So yeah, inappropriate is just fine with me.


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## Baymule

I’m going through old pictures for BJs memorial. I ran across our wedding pictures. The sheriff of the county walked in with his shotgun. BJ had been a pretty rowdy guy, got thrown in jail for bar fights and such. He was well known to the law. LOL

So Billy Ray walked in dressed in a ridiculous get-up and a shotgun. He announced, “I’m here to make sure Bobby Joe gets married and Dana don’t run off.”

We really did have a shotgun wedding.


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## The Old Ram-Australia

Oh Bay,I just logged on and saw the note about your loss. Jenny and I send you our love during this difficult time. Please stay in touch because as a group we will all do our best to offer support for you as you move into a new part of your life....T.O.R.


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## Baymule

The Old Ram-Australia said:


> Oh Bay,I just logged on and saw the note about your loss. Jenny and I send you our love during this difficult time. Please stay in touch because as a group we will all do our best to offer support for you as you move into a new part of your life....T.O.R.


Thank you. You know that goes both ways. This is a great bunch of people


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## Bruce

Baymule said:


> We really did have a shotgun wedding.



Yep, you and BJ had some serious fun!


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## farmerjan

Absolutely love the wedding picture and story.  You were a beautiful bride...


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## Baymule

Bruce said:


> Yep, you and BJ had some serious fun!


Yes, we did! Spontaneous, laughter, crazy fun!



farmerjan said:


> Absolutely love the wedding picture and story.  You were a beautiful bride...


Thank you! My daughter was 9 years old then and wanted me to have a gorgeous dress, long train and lots of lace. She told me to expect to spend $1,000.   She gave me a detailed description of this dress I was supposed to go buy. I be-bopped into a resale shop, told them I needed a wedding dress and gave them my daughter's description. Lady said she had one, what size was I? I replied, SKINNY. She brought out the dress, I tried it on, perfect fit for $125.


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## farmerjan

That is an amazing story.  Bet you didn't burst your daughter's bubble and tell her where you got the dress or how much it cost??????  Maybe told her it didn't cost quite 1,000...... But it sure did fit her needing you to wear a gorgeous dress, long train and lots of lace... MEANT TO BE.


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## Blue Sky

Thank you for your wonderful stories.  Off topic but I thought I’d mention this to you and others who had or will get covid. My sense of taste disappeared (it’s back mostly) but my sense of smell went completely off the rails. I constantly smelled odors that weren’t there. Gasoline, airplane glue, assorted poop and spoiled food. Not only did that make food taste weird I had headaches from the gas can that seemed to follow me everywhere. Most importantly I couldn’t tell if something was burning and ruined some dinners. I still can’t detect spoiled food but will wake up smelling rotten eggs etc. Make sure your smoke detectors are working and police your perishable foods. I think my problem is unusually long lasting. Most people I know recovered taste and smell quickly.  I missed the honeysuckle blooming in ‘20 but got a bit of it this summer.


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## Baymule

@farmerjan yes I told her, she thought it was a smart move. Meant to be, yes it was. Me and BJ were meant to be. We both knew it and mentioned it often. He took one look at me, instantly fell in love and that was it. Meant to be. 

@Blue Sky i lost my taste and smell too. Every thing either tasted like it had a pound of salt on it or a pound of sugar. Nasty gross. My taste came back, smell is almost back. I was very weak, my strength is coming back. This stuff is bad.


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## Grant

So sorry for your loss.  Been offline for some days.


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## Ridgetop




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## Fishychix

Bay, I am SO sorry for your loss and so amazed at your strength


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## Childwanderer

I'm so sorry for your loss. Y'all are in my prayers. It's lovely to see the photos of you and your husband; you have obviously had a lot of love and fun together!


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## Finnie

Baymule said:


> I finally dumped out the sludge in the coffee pot yesterday and cleaned it up. I'm making progress.
> 
> @Devonviolet and her husband came by yesterday and we had a great visit.




So glad you got to spend some time with @Devonviolet

Have you spoken with @B&B Happy goats ? I haven’t seen her post in a while.


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## Baymule

Finnie said:


> So glad you got to spend some time with @Devonviolet
> 
> Have you spoken with @B&B Happy goats ? I haven’t seen her post in a while.


No, I need to reach out to her.


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## Baymule

I called my sister crying yesterday morning. Having a bad day. We talked for awhile and I felt better. She suggested that I take BJ's clothing to a men's shelter, that it will be cold soon and they will need socks, coats, everything. So I started cleaning out the closet. BJ's closet is 4'x10'. I built 2 towers, 18" deep x 7' tall. One is 3' wide, the other is 2' wide and I put shelves in it. 2 pole bars for hanging clothes go between the towers. I put baskets on some of the shelves for small items like socks and underwear. I put a bookcase in the closet for his shoes. He was so proud of his closet, and it was full. The man liked clothing and looking good. 

So far I have 8 trash bags full and I'm not done yet. I still have to bag up coats and suits. I'm keeping his shirts to make quilts for the granddaughters. A woman who I've known all of her 42 years looked at him as her dad because her father was an alcoholic train wreck and died when she was in her 20's. She even lived with us for about a year one time. I will make her a memory pillow and I'm giving her one of his big T-shirts. I'm keeping one of his army coats, I have a picture of him wearing it that I love. Keeping a few of his T-shirts too so I can wear them around the house or sleep in them. I feel much better knowing that his things will go to those in need. I can't haul all that around with me, so best to face reality now and do something positive with them. Tearful? Yes. Hard? Yes. But it must be done.


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## Baymule




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## farmerjan




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## Finnie

You are doing an amazing job. Wonderful idea about the quilts from BJ’s shirts.


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## Poka_Doodle

Bay, you are doing a wonderful job! I have a quilt made from my grandpa's old shirts and I love it, I am sure your family will love them too.


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## Bruce

Baymule said:


> View attachment 87830


That is a *FABULOUS* picture Bay!!!!!!


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## Marie2020

Alaskan said:


> Anyone worth knowing is never all right in the head.
> 
> Us crazy folks are the best folks.
> 
> At least you talk to ashes...  I talk to myself, while at the grocery store.


I sung too myself while shopping last week and I am not American   

But, I am a friend of Dana's so I'm not so crazy after all ,I've got good taste in friends


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## Alaskan

Marie2020 said:


> I sung too myself while shopping last week and I am not American
> 
> But, I am a friend of Dana's so I'm not so crazy after all ,I've got good taste in friends


Made up song?or popular ditty?


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## Marie2020

robhuncor said:


> There is something very comforting knowing the essence of your loved one is near.  I brought my Dad's ashes home with me when I was worried my Mom might misplace him as she began to suffer from dementia.  He was on my dresser with a little vase of flowers or memorial memento near him.  When I needed comfort, I would pick up the box and hold it for a bit.  It was quite heavy and reminded me that all my Dad ever was to me was still there and uplifting me.  14 years later, when Mom died, I placed his ashes in her casket over her heart, as they wished.  The service celebrated them both and I felt privileged to have been the caretaker of his earthly remains until he went to join her - two soul mates together again.
> 
> My sincerest condolences to you, Bay.  I have followed your adventures in your "Paradise" and know the joy both you and BJ were experiencing.  His loss is a true tragedy but you must be an exceptionally wonderful person to have so many friends and acquaintances already coming forward offering meaningful help and support in your time of need.  In spite of this unexpected turn of events, you will survive and flourish again.


I don't think we have chatted but after reading what you wrote I would dearly love too know you


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## Marie2020

Alaskan said:


> Made up song?or popular ditty?


I was practicing using my voice again i lost my singing voice a few years ago and i tried an old carpenter's song I used too sing. 

I must have been good, I cleared the street and managed too buy just what I needed with no one in my way too stop me.


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## Marie2020

Baymule said:


> Yes, we did! Spontaneous, laughter, crazy fun!
> 
> 
> Thank you! My daughter was 9 years old then and wanted me to have a gorgeous dress, long train and lots of lace. She told me to expect to spend $1,000.   She gave me a detailed description of this dress I was supposed to go buy. I be-bopped into a resale shop, told them I needed a wedding dress and gave them my daughter's description. Lady said she had one, what size was I? I replied, SKINNY. She brought out the dress, I tried it on, perfect fit for $125.


You would look great in anything


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## Marie2020

Baymule said:


> I called my sister crying yesterday morning. Having a bad day. We talked for awhile and I felt better. She suggested that I take BJ's clothing to a men's shelter, that it will be cold soon and they will need socks, coats, everything. So I started cleaning out the closet. BJ's closet is 4'x10'. I built 2 towers, 18" deep x 7' tall. One is 3' wide, the other is 2' wide and I put shelves in it. 2 pole bars for hanging clothes go between the towers. I put baskets on some of the shelves for small items like socks and underwear. I put a bookcase in the closet for his shoes. He was so proud of his closet, and it was full. The man liked clothing and looking good.
> 
> So far I have 8 trash bags full and I'm not done yet. I still have to bag up coats and suits. I'm keeping his shirts to make quilts for the granddaughters. A woman who I've known all of her 42 years looked at him as her dad because her father was an alcoholic train wreck and died when she was in her 20's. She even lived with us for about a year one time. I will make her a memory pillow and I'm giving her one of his big T-shirts. I'm keeping one of his army coats, I have a picture of him wearing it that I love. Keeping a few of his T-shirts too so I can wear them around the house or sleep in them. I feel much better knowing that his things will go to those in need. I can't haul all that around with me, so best to face reality now and do something positive with them. Tearful? Yes. Hard? Yes. But it must be done.


I'm so very proud of you.  What beautiful thing to do


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## Senile_Texas_Aggie

Marie2020 said:


> I'm so very proud of you. What beautiful thing to do


Miss Baymule, I agree with Miss @Marie2020 -- that is such a beautiful thing to do.


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## Baymule

I finished cleaning out his closet today. I have his suits, dress shirts and slacks in the back seat. In the morning I’ll put the 9 trash bags of clothes in the back of the truck and go to Longview, a little over an hour away.


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## Alaskan

Baymule said:


> I finished cleaning out his closet today. I have his suits, dress shirts and slacks in the back seat. In the morning I’ll put the 9 trash bags of clothes in the back of the truck and go to Longview, a little over an hour away.


I am so proud of you.

Such great strength to get that done.


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## Mike CHS

Alaskan said:


> I am so proud of you.
> 
> Such great strength to get that done.



I'm glad you responded that way.  I was chicken and could not come up with the words so I am glad that you did.


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## Madhouse Pullet

You have great pictures. You two were beautiful people 💜

The quilt and pillow is such a great idea, so very thoughtful...

My oldest sons dad (my fiance at the time) passed away when my son was just 7 months old. We were barely 20 yrs old; together for 2.5 years and being my first loss, I had no desire to hold onto his clothes; I only saved one shirt for my son, the shirt he wore the day before his passing.
And thats the one thing I regret so much, getting rid of his clothes because now our son is 12 and he loves that shirt. He would wear it every day if he could. He was so young, I was so young, I didn't understand or think of the value of things like that.

....It will mean a lot for them to have something like that of his, to literally "hold onto", especially in times of need.

 I'm thinking of you and your family and sending uplifting vibes your way every day.


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## Baymule

Today is the memorial for BJ here at our house, on the front porch. The porch is screened in and 12' x 54'. A few weeks ago, we had a memorial for him in Livingston, where we both had lived for 30 plus years. Friends we have made here are coming to celebrate BJ, the happy, smiling guy they knew and loved. My son is here, my daughter is bringing my granddaughters. The middle granddaughter was his favorite and she has been the most hurt by his passing. I hope this helps her cope with his loss.


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## Finnie

I’ve been wondering how the granddaughters have been handling it. I hope they are old enough to retain their memories of him. Photos and stories will help with that.


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## Blue Sky

Thinking of you and your family.


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## HomeOnTheRange

to you and your family!!


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## Alaskan

I sure hope the memorial went well, and that it brought peace and healing to all. 

May there be smiles in the tears.


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## Baymule

BJs memorial was so nice. Our friends from Livingston came up and did the honors here, a lot of friends were here. Some brought food, one brought drinks, just an informal cake, cookies, chips and sandwiches. Then everyone visited. A dear friend that DD has been friends with all her life came with her 3kids. They dumped toys in the middle bedroom and played. Middle granddaughter clung to her mom during the service and youngest sat in my lap. It was a perfect afternoon.

More to add this evening. Youngest spent night, going to play with her.


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## Baymule

We laughed and we cried together. Our friends here needed this to say goodbye. Many stayed after the memorial to visit, we had a party. 

My DD was late. We waited on her and the kids. How appropriate that she was late and she said BJ would have totally approved. A guy she used to work with in Tyler was selling a Mini Cooper convertible with only 73,000 miles on it for $4,000. she, the kids and a friend went to go get it and it made her late. We all had a good laugh over it and the best part is that it is the future car for my 14 year old granddaughter. She is over the moon excited. My son in law stayed home sick, so there was no extra driver to take it home. A dear friend of theirs, Gretel, took it home. 

In 2018, everything we had broke down except for the tractor. Our daughter loaned us her car. Our son in law's car needed work, but was drivable, so she used that. Their friend Gretel and broke her foot, was in a cast and couldn't drive. She loaned her car to my son in law so he could get to work and he picked her up every morning and took her to work, and took her home. So now, Gretel's car is broke down and they get to repay the favor by letting her use the Mini Cooper.


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## Bruce

What goes around comes around and in this case it is ALL good!


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## chickens really

Oh my goodness! I send you my heartfelt condolences..Be strong and know how many people are there for you. 🥲🙏❤️


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## Baymule

Today marks one year that I lost the love of my life. A LOT has happened in the past year. I sold the farm off a response to a Facebook post. We closed in 63 days on February 15 of this year. With a lot of help from friends I got everything moved to my sons house in Trinity county. I got a lot of work done on it to make it habitable, it was pretty awful. LOL I found a 25 acre farm in Trinity county, closed on July 15, and moved in 3 weeks ago. I have my sheep and dogs. I’m ok. 

One week from today, I’ll have knee replacement surgery.  Plans were for me to do that last year and BJ take care of me. I’ll muddle through it. 

I miss him every day. His box, our picture and his work gloves are on the nightstand. I wish I still had a horse to go take a long ride, but my knees hurt so bad I wouldn’t be able to do that. Oh well, maybe in 4-6 months I can revisit that idea. BJ would love the new farm, it’s beautiful. 

Right now I have sheep in the small fenced front yard. A neighbor’s Brahma heifers are grazing the front field and they are at the fence, checking out the sheep. They have given me a smile for the day.


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## Baymule

BJ would sooooo be sitting on the porch with me laughing at the heifers and ewes sniffing  noses through the fence. 









Life is good and mine was made better by a man who loved me.


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## farmerjan

😢


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## HomeOnTheRange




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## Alaskan

farmerjan said:


> 😢


Yep, x2


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## Finnie




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## Vienna_201

The handful of people I've known to go through knee surgery were very happy they'd done it. Will you have anyone helping you for the first little while following your surgery?

Your words are incredibly inspiring to a young couple like ourselves. My husband and I will have our 3rd wedding anniversary this winter. We're learning, maturing, and trying to be better people and partners for one another every day... but still struggle at times. Would you mind my asking if you have words of wisdom for us that you could share?

Please excuse me if this is in appropriate... I'm not a good communicator (and if I'm honest I don't try to connect with many people). I just wanted to share that I spent a good majority of my life being raised by my aunt and uncle, and October 19th this year will mark one year since her passing with COVID. Uncle has been working less (chronic workaholic haha), connecting with family more, and has taken trips he would have never otherwise taken (on a motorcycle!?). He loved the life my aunt and him shared, and if he had things his way he wouldn't have changed a thing. But, through him I'm learning that choosing to live is love.

My sincerest condolences.

All the very best. ♥️


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## Baymule

@Vienna_201 I don't have anyone lined up to stay with me. Was supposed to go to rehab, but rules have changed to joint replacement being a day surgery. I'm dumbfounded. A social worker will come talk to me after surgery and may send home health care to help a little, who knows?

Advice on marriage. Be each others biggest supporter, cheering squad, and offer encouragement. A positive attitude goes a long way.

Both of us were strong, independent, hard headed people. We argued but it was never a personal attack. It's ok to disagree, it's not ok to blame one another. Neither one of us were perfect, but we were perfect for each other. We said I love you many times a day.

Marriage is a living thing. It is always in motion, there is no 50-50, no keeping score. You are either 100% in or you are not. You become one at marriage, the reality is it takes time to truly become one. There will be good times, bad times, times of plenty and times that are hard. Marriage is life and life is full of surprises, plans that go all wrong and plans that go right. Life can be a struggle, marriage is sharing that struggle and loving each other no matter what life throws at you.  Having that special one to share life with is an adventure in itself. Both of you will grow and mature, always remember you both are in this together.

edited to add. You are a fine communicator. I'm delighted to make your acquaintance.


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## Duckfarmerpa1

@Baymule …I need to say my most sincere apologies…it’s been this long since I looked at the forum…

as the partner of a man who lives for his work on the land, I can only imagine your pain going through the steps to downsize, etc.

i will pray for you and your surgery


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## Mini Horses

@Duckfarmerpa1   nice to have you check in 🙂. Been a while.  Hope things are going well.


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## Baymule

Duckfarmerpa1 said:


> @Baymule …I need to say my most sincere apologies…it’s been this long since I looked at the forum…
> 
> as the partner of a man who lives for his work on the land, I can only imagine your pain going through the steps to downsize, etc.
> 
> i will pray for you and your surgery


Thank you for your prayers. I’m glad to see you here again.


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## canesisters

I just read this entire thread.
I am so very very sorry Bay.
Your comment this morning on the Coffee thread had me a little confused.  I've been away from the forums & had no idea. 
You've come such a long way.  I know there are no words to really express accurately.... but, as someone who has walked this path for several years, I just want to try and assure you that it does get so much... less sharp. Memories will eventually bring more quiet smiles than tears.


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## Baymule

Thank you @canesisters .  It’s been a tumultuous 15 months. Yes, I do smile at the memories. I’ve had a lot of loss, the hits just kept coming. I’m on a new farm now, I keep thinking BJ would love it. I prayed for God to put me where he wanted me to be and I’m happy here.


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## Sundragons

I'm so sorry Bay, I rarely check in and had no idea. I don't know what to say in situations like this other than I'm sorry. I'm glad you've found the strength to keep going and I know you will see each other again when it's time.


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## Baymule

Thank you @Sundragons i appreciate the kind words.  And yes someday we will be together again.


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