Peteyfoozer’s Journey (because journaling’s not enough)

[peteyfoozer]

I do have a lot of brain fog and assumed it was from fibro/RA or meds, as its so frequent. I only start the bp meds today so don’t know if they will help, but the last several trips to various Drs bp has been high.
Idk if depression is same as stress, but it’s been severe these past few months. The pain and isolation has finally gotten to where I can't seem to get past it anymore. I do have anxiety, which I hate admitting because it makes me sound and feel like a mental midget, but Boone has been effective helping me through when it gets really bad.

Thinking on it now, I imagine it could be what is making my breathing properly difficult. I still have it this morning but not as severe as yesterday and I did sleep most of the night.
The ER doc thinks the high bp is what is causing my falls and the lightheadedness.
It would be nice to have that stop!

 

[peteyfoozer]

Thinking of locking Boone out back and leaving him on our next trip into town. It will be really hard for me, as I can use the upright walker to protect myself from falling, but he also makes a huge difference in preventing my anxiety attacks, and medication for that puts me to sleep so I don’t take it.
But this stage of his maturity is making it too hard for him to manage his behavior during long trips and long downs and I don’t want him to develop bad habits. Several times I have had to ask Randy to take him out of Dr office because he’s begun vocalizing. Antsy is one thing but he cannot be disruptive. Boone is the same age as Fen was, when he started to struggle.

I miss Heath every day. He would not have been useful for my mobility issues but he made my life so much easier. I could always depend on him to do his job and never cause problems.

Fen started out so well, but then got to where he was actually triggering my stress, although I never would have gotten through the 3 days of Randy’s hospitalization without him. I think he had burn out from the length of our trips and at the time he was also in his adolescence, so I started using Boone and let Fen stay home.

But as much as he hated it though, I’m thinking of taking him instead, just to help me stay grounded.
I can’t take Boone and just leave him in the vehicle because he is too destructive. He chainsawed through the seat divider and last night pulled the metal screen divider off the front seats while we were driving. He’s in his terrible teens.

Not sure what I should do, but I’m leaning towards employing Fen and a walker until Boone matures and is a bit more solid and steady again. I need to brush Fen up on his tasking as neither one of us (Randy or me) can pick anything up off the ground, and because I need both hands with walker, I tend to fumble and drop everything more than I already do.
Those are my thoughts…

 

[peteyfoozer]

 

[peteyfoozer]

Boone helped me haul 2 loads of tree branches out to the garden. I’m already exhausted. The stuff is hopelessly tangled and trying to untangle branches to stack on the tarp really messes up my back and hand. I shouldn’t be doing this but I can’t take another year of it and there’s no one to help me
It’s also hard to guide him and keep it all from catching on stuff on the way, by myself