Rammy
Herd Master
Sheath cleaning. I squeeze KY up there the day before, then another tube before I dig in and start cleaning. This of course is the signal for Joe, (that's his eye in my avatar) to suck his pee pee up in the vicinity of somewhere behind his eyeballs. Undaunted, I pull on my inadequate latex glove and shove my hand up to my armpit, groping around for the shy, elusive ding dong. This annoys Joe, who lays his ears back and raises his back hoof, clearly stating, "You better let go of my ding-a-ling or I am going to kick your head off." Somewhere between snatching the prize and dragging it out, I lose my glove. How did THAT happen? Hmmm...… if I go fishing for it, I will lose my grip.....it can wait.
I have a bucket of warm sudsy water with a big sponge and rag, as I reach for it, Joe sidesteps. My arm goes with him aaaaand the bucket is out of reach. reckon I can "lead" him back over, closer to the bucket? I pull and he raises his hind hoof again. Maybe steady pressure will do it and I lean into it. Joe is more annoyed and starts stomping his feet, this inches me closer to the bucket. I grab sponge and rag and start scrubbing. Joe is cremello in color, pink skinned, purest white and blue eyed. His ding dong is gross, looks like corn flakes are stuck to it and HE is not the least bit interested in getting "all cleaned up". Nope. Not even a little bit. Somewhere in the process, the lost glove shows up. Fat lot of good that did me.
And then there's the BEAN! Must not forget the BEAN! That requires a delicate insertion of a finger in his pee pee to dig out uric crystals that form a white blob of grossness that can plug up his urethra and cause some real problems. Once again, Joe is not impressed. In fact, this is the last straw and he is really pissed off (literally).
Finally I get the water hose and wash the sheath out, making sure all the soapy suds are gone, and we're done.
The first time I read this, I laughed until I cried. I have sang this many a time to my Joe. It doesn't help his feelings one bit, but it makes me laugh.
The Sheath Cleaning Song
Author Unknown
(Sing it to the tune of "Hello Mother, Hello Father" from camp song)
How's it hangin'?
So much cleaner.
Aren't you glad I
washed your wiener?
I'll admit it's
kinda creepy
that I had to stick my arm up in your pee-pee.
It was sticky.
It was gunky.
It felt icky.
It smelled funky.
It was cruddy,
it was crusty--
when you stuck it out, it creaked like it was rusty.
After half an
hour of toilin'
and of squirtin'
baby oil in,
you're as fresh there
as a daisy.
Either this means I love you or else I'm crazy!!!