Peteyfoozer’s Journey (because journaling’s not enough)

[peteyfoozer]

I was talking to Heath’s breeder and the friend who set me up with Fen. She agrees that he is probably not going to be the dog I was hoping for, and taking that expectation (and subsequent failure) out of the equation so I can just enjoy Fen for who he is and pray for another dog down the line that can better meet my needs.
Fen is family. ADHD and maybe somewhere on the spectrum kind of family, but I love them too.
Meanwhile, while I was in living room reading, Fen suddenly showed up and climbed into his crate…hmmmm…odd!

I get up to see this…

He pulled down the gate we put up to prevent him opening the front door and leaving, which he’s done for the past few days…then put himself in time out!

He went back to screaming after I fixed it and let him out (I gave him a chicken footie and locked his door) so I closed the curtains and blocked his access to the back to shut him up…his response was to chew to tug off the back door.

Oh Fen! …

and yes. I have never known the kind of pain and grief I still feel over losing Heath. Honestly I am still devastated. He was the best friend I ever had.

 

[Baymule]

A good service dog is one that is devoted to you. You nailed it on Fen, ADHD, on the spectrum, that made me laugh because it’s so true. 3 homes in 5 months? He learned not to love anyone because nobody kept him. Or maybe his autism just doesn’t let him get attached. Fen is one in a million and of course you will keep him. But somewhere, there is a dog that needs you as much as you need him.

 

[peteyfoozer]

Fen is running in and out, screaming, something is not right in his world. He wants me to know. I have gone out with hin twice and don’t see anything. He hits the door so hard when he comes in, full speed ahead, we had to put the big rubber exercise ball for the door to bounce off of.
Randy’s in a crappy mood today, and was upset at Fen’s barking, which is pretty ocer the top. I don’t think he’s gonna do well when the Anatolian comes!

I feel Heath’s shadow follow me everywhere. I miss him so much. I can’t seem to get over him.
I loved all my dogs. The Maremmas, Cider, my goofy golden, my Aussies, my Rottie, my Doberman, but none of them destroyed me when they died like Heath has.
He was the most special puppy I ever owned. The day we picked him up, he snuggled into me and we drove 8 hr home. He let us know when he had to pee and poop twice on the way. He was perfectly happy, never cried for his mother or littermates. It was like he had waited the 8 weeks he was alive, for me to pick him up. He slept with me that night, let me know when he needed out. He was simply amazing and happy to be my dog and partner in life.
He was at my side, always. He had an almost natural, perfect heel. I never put a leash on him, even when he did Service Work. I just had a short handle that laid across his vest.

He learned to put his toys in his basket at 12 weeks old. It remained his favorite task all his short life.

He once went walkabout and Bruno had to bring him back after he caught him running after the sheep

He was a very, very gud boi

 

[murphysranch]

I'm concerned about Fen's screaming and hysteria. What is driving it? Your sadness???

 

[peteyfoozer]

I'm concerned about Fen's screaming and hysteria. What is driving it? Your sadness???

Frustration, I think. He is an extremely high energy, hi drive puppy with over the top intelligence but very little impulse control and very emotionally immature. I asked the trainer I got him through if it is due to his first 5 months and it probably contributed but was told he would likely still be this way as “growth isn’t linear”. She and the breeder keep promising he will be completely different in a year or two once he’s fully matured.
Meanwhile I either let him show me what’s upsetting him and soothe him, or do a forced settle by crating him until he is able to chill out. He tends to be over threshold very quickly. He was big on demand barking when we got him and he’s very vocal, constantly talking (which sounds a lot like bitching and complaining, to be honest). It’s a little comical to watch him because he often forgets he can’t open the door to get out while he’s screaming and standing up with his feet on it as it opens inward, so he has to stop, open the door, then heads out screaming to wherever he feels he will get the best view of whatever dog, or human, is offending his sense of zen by daring to walk by the house.
If you have any great ideas or input, I’m all ears (or eyes, as the case may be). He is the most challenging puppy I have ever lived with!

 

[peteyfoozer]

Having decided that I don’t think Fen is going to succeed as a Service Dog and would be happier as a farm dog (it could all change and turn around again in the future, but for now, the pressure is off of us both) Fen was a very different boy today. He started out by jumping up and laying on the footrest where I was sleeping. Heath did this all the time but Fen never has. He also jumped up and climbed in my lap several times today, which he has also never done, unless I had a plate of food he is trying to mooch. He must have been picking up on some of my stress after all. I’m still stressed (which has triggered a monster flare) but I’m no longer stressed over him.

Peace out, Fenny!

 

[peteyfoozer]

 

[Mini Horses]

I truly believe your stress excited him and didn't know how to help. Just love him!! He will do your bidding for the most part. You need to accept him and he will respond. some days, only if he feels like it, of course

 

[Baymule]

I think @Mini Horses may be on to something. Your stress added to Fens stress. He is so intelligent, so sensitive, that he knows you are stressed and he doesn’t know how to handle it. Maybe your deep love and sorrow over Heath kept measuring Fen against Heath and naturally Fen didn’t measure up. Fen will never be Heath, not ever. No dog ever will be Heath. Your heart is closed, holding Heath up as an unobtainable goal. Open your heart to Fen and let him in. He can’t heal your broken heart if you keep it closed.

You relieved the pressure on both you and Fen and he responded. You made the decision to accept him as he is, for whatever purpose he might have. Her might have more moments like this and yet still not be the service dog you need. Or it might be the start of a new and better relationship. Time will tell.

Fen is Fen. Just love him. If there is to be another service dog in your future, it will show up.

 

[peteyfoozer]

Amen. Thank you. I have been trying. I do love Fen. I admit the pain I feel from Heathen’s loss hasn’t yet diminished at all. Perhaps it never will. No one knows better than I, that there will never be another anything like Heath, which makes it harder. But yeah, I do love Fen. He is totally different. Truly they are both extremists from opposite ends of the spectrum!