Peteyfoozer’s Journey (because journaling’s not enough)

[peteyfoozer]

As much of a hemorrhoid as Fen is, I love the guy and even though the breeder would take him back, no problem, my heart won’t let me. It will be easier to manage the LGD than a second housedog with Fen. What does it mean?
I think it means there won’t be any traveling to see friends or family on my own, the way I used to with Heath. I can only go when and where Randy takes me, and maybe less of that in the future since he scared the spit out of me so badly on our last jaunt to town, I don’t even want to leave the house.
I hope once Fen matures, he will task more reliably for me at home.
Since my hard earned progress with my health last summer seems to have been lost with the onset of winter, I will at least have the lgd for counter balance when he’s strong enough, as Fen is too small. If I wasn’t stuck at the ranch the rest of my life, had access to ongoing physical therapy and strength training, Iife might be different, but that’s not an option. So I might not be able to drive anyway.
I think my efforts should be to combat the emotional issues my health and isolation present, and find other distractions to combat the loneliness, and the bitterness over losing Heath that keeps rearing its ugly head each time I think I have moved beyond it and accepted God’s will in it.
What I felt today was really unsettling and it’s happening more often and attacks are much more severe. Not sure I can do the training I need to, for another prospect now, and especially not a year from now. So, aside from the occasional departure from sanity and ability to fight back the darkness, I will just move forward best I can. Fen is now part of my heart. I may not have the energy required to train another service dog and can’t afford to buy a trained dog so I will lean more on Jesus, whine and feel bad for myself when life is overwhelming, and look forward to a reunion with Heath, Mo, Cider, Ollie and the rest of the critters that made the life I had special.
God bless each of you, for reaching out and being a friend. For your honest thoughts and sage advice, for lifting me out of the pit and for lending your strength and good humor.
For walking alongside and just being there.
Merry Christmas and may God bless you all

 

[Mini Horses]

I wish we could teleport ourselves, as easy as a text
So many times I could, would, want to physically help another & cant -- or share a tangible I have & they need. Keep the faith. Pray for understanding for Fen...God loves us all.

You will see a lift when your UTI meds arrive. Those infections create unreal emotional confusion and despair, beyond the physical discomfort. I could detect when my mom had one just by that. She had the big A and didn't always know what was hurting.

Hoping you have a good day!!

 

[peteyfoozer]

Thanks @Mini Horses I had not thought about the infection affecting me. Hoping antibiotics make a difference. Gonna try to get appointments with regular doc too and see if we can nail down this bp thing and the anxiety attacks, if that’s what they are…

 

[SageHill]

We're here for you as we can be at least online. I'm with @Mini Horses teleport - "Scottie beam me over" if for nothing else than a hug, chat, helping hand, or tea/coffee. Guess we're not there yet, this is as close as it gets for now.
Definitely the infection / illness effects everything - it is front and center no matter how hard you try to push it aside. that the meds arrive sooner than later and work faster than predicted.
Fen is definitely good for laughs - let that be his job, because laughter is healthy and good for the soul.

 

[peteyfoozer]

Well now I am torn. #5 and her husband (#5 is the boss’ youngest, and was my best friend since she was 11 until she left the ranch to go to highschool. (age means nothing among friends and Elizabeth is special) anyway, she and her husband own the collie. They are working at a ranch about 7 hr away in Nevada. He’s a cowboy who also trains horses and dogs with great skill. She’s currently tied to their baby who is only 6 months old which is why she hasn’t had time for the collie.
Tonight he made me an offer. He really needs a dog to help him right now. They have a couple but one is old and arthritic, another is a young puppy, and I think he does work the other but needs more than one dog…not sure.
Anyway, he offered to take Fen back with them and train him this winter, then bring him back Memorial weekend. That would help him out, I would be able to work with the collie and Fen would have his needs met as far as having a job since I can’t get out and do stuff with him in the winter because of my pain levels.
In some ways it’s a sweet deal. In other ways I think I just can’t.
The Pros are obvious
Here are some of the Cons…
1. I have never entrusted a dog or horse of mine to anyone, ever. I will constantly worry: is he going to get hurt? Will he run away from them? Will he feel we abandoned him? Will he be okay being trained without the same positive reinforcement I use? ( this probably won’t be problematic as getting to herd cows is its own reward for him. )
Will the other dogs be mean to him? Will he miss me like I’m going to miss him?
2. He would be leaving on Wednesday. We pick up the Anatolian puppy (Boone) end of Jan. Boone will be 8 mo old when Fen comes home. Is it going to be a problem for me to get Boone to accept that Fen is ok and is my dog when Fen comes home as a nearly adult dog, that might still want to play?
3. Is it going to be too hard for me not to have Fen here A) emotionally and B) Fen already has a great deal of training and does a LOT of tasking for me at home. There is no guarantee I will be able to teach the collie what I have taught Heath and Fen and he won’t be here to help me this winter…
I don’t know what to do, and I only have 1 day to figure it out…

 

[Baymule]

That is one I can’t advise you on. You would miss Fen terribly, but you would have the collie. Maybe this is what Fen needs to settle him down for work.
Question. If this guy is such a good dog trainer, why isn’t the collie trained?

Suggestion. When y’all go pick up the Anatolian puppy, perhaps somewhere along the way there is a sheep breeder where you could nab a couple of lambs?

 

[peteyfoozer]

The collie came from his sister. Her collies actually work cows which surprised me. Anyway, the collie has no interest in herding and is people centric. #5 just had a baby in June that had surgery a couple months ago and has not had any time for the collie puppy because of Thomas. Oh, and they didn’t ask for a puppy, the buyers in Texas where he was born, backed out on him and she took him to WA to a wedding they all went to and kinda dumped him on them…

 

[Mini Horses]

This is HARD. Think -- are you seeing more help than annoyance in Fen? You want him to be Heath, he's not & will never be to you. Will the collie be the same? It won't do as much as Fen....YOU must accept this loss and work beyond it. Heath is gone!!!

Will the training at the cattle ranch help you? Seems entirely different set of mannerisms. So if collie doesn't train for you, what then.

I can't decide for you and not there to see things in action -- I do know you must look beyond the blessings of the past to have ANY dog work for you now. Animals read you -- send good vibes.

Hoping mail brings your meds.

 

[farmerjan]

Let me preference this with I wrote this before you posted about the possibility of Fen going to get trained as a herding dog with your best friend and her husband.

NO ONE can advise you BUT... consider this. Fen is a herding dog. He is not content with answering to you when you need him... I don't doubt you love him but you are not happy.

Give Fen a chance to be what he seems to want to be. If he works out as a herding dog, he will have what he needs in life. And if he comes back and it works that he should stay with you he should be grown up and some of his energy disciplined.

If the collie is focused on people, he may be a dream to work with because he is not "wanting more". 6 months is not a lifetime... he may be at odds because they have not had time for him. Give him a chance to see if he can be trained as the support animal you need.
Again, you talk about can you teach the collie what you taught "Heath and Fen" to do... you still are putting Heath ahead of Fen after the amount of time you have had Fen.

I mean no disrespect or anything towards you. But, you may love Fen in a way, yet you cannot seem to accept that he is not Heath...you compare them and bemoan that Heath is gone, and you are always frustrated with Fen. Don't know how Heath was, but from here, it seems that Fen is too "wired" for you and your needs. He does not provide the emotional support you seem to need and it is constantly causing your stress levels to go up. He is amusing, and loving and cute... but he does not seem to mesh with what you want or expect.
I am not being critical... and I certainly was not suggesting you deal with 2 house dogs... just that maybe the breeder could pair Fen with someone that he "clicks with" and you could work with the collie that you said "fits you".... just because Fen was "there first" does not mean you are less loyal if it is not working out. You are the one that needs the help, and Fen is only sporadically providing it.... and causing you a huge amount of distress in the meantime. Maybe you are being unfair to him by wanting WHO and what he is not... namely NOT HEATH......

Strength training and physical therapy can be done at home, by yourself.... I still do things with the knees because they were not all that I wanted/expected.... mostly from the lack of proper PT after the replacements because I was "doing too good to go to critical rehab".... and wound up getting less than sh!t care for the first 3 weeks afterwards... so I am still working on it 2 years later. I have had a few of the feel sorry for myself days because I can't do what I want/feel I should be able to do... then I get off my a$$ (mentally) and try doing something different.
I don't know what all you had happen, I did not "know you" before you had a problem... RA is not good... and I don't know if there is more to it than that... So I may be speaking out of turn... but making yourself do things you just don't feel mentally able to do, is all the more reason to MAKE yourself do it... and cry while doing it because there will be rewards from that sort of discipline.
Not comparable, but I find myself feeling a little anxiety on a few of the hills we make hay on, and then I just "grab myself by the throat" and say okay, you have done this before and you can do it now.... and make myself do it even if I don't like it....and do it slower so that I feel more in control..... when I get to where my depth perception and balance gets too far off, then I hope I have enough sense to back off and not do it... but as long as I am not physically scared of wrecking the tractor, I can make myself be objective and make sense of what I am leery of... and then tackle it.
I have never had anxiety issues that many people have so cannot fully understand or relate to how it seems to cripple a person. I am not making light of it, I just am unable to fully relate to it.

I have a few balance issues since the knees do not "feel" the subtleties with the mechanical joints, and the chiropractor told me to expect that... there is a name for it, that I have to ask him again what it is... so I can accept that it will not all be what I want.... and I have fallen flat before I was able to catch myself when I have tripped on something... like that rock in the pen that I did not see in the dark and went sprawling... but I work at it at home to make myself more aware and less likely to do a "face plant"....the not being able to kneel on my knees is driving me totally insane because I could kneel before... it was the standing that hurt so much... I am still trying to come to terms with that... but then out of all the knee replacements for 65 and older patients... how many actually do what "us", the small percentage of "prime" farmer/homesteader types, do.???? Think of all the "grandmotherly types" and how many do you know want to climb up on a tailgate to crawl on their knees into the back of the truck or need to have the balance to ride in a hay wagon to stack hay bales, or get knocked down by a cow/calf/sheep... and would naturally go on their knees to then get up and realize they cannot kneel on their knees to simply get up off the ground..... How many never do anything more strenuous than housekeeping, shopping, driving, walking, even swimming...

So when you have good days and manage to get out there and actually ride, that is exceptional.... and convince yourself mentally that you are going to do it again tomorrow... and if the RA hits you and you can't then that is okay too... but try to convince yourself that it is the physical that is stopping you, and not any other issues....
That is why I made the suggestion that maybe Fen is not the dog you want him to be because he is different than the beloved one you lost. And maybe he could achieve more potential if he were paired with someone else that does not require the more "hands on" emotional support that you want. He's not a bad dog, just you and he are not on the same page.....

Worrying about Fen will get you nowhere... and making yourself sick over it is not going to solve anything.
He can get kicked outside the back door there at your place if he goes out into the field. Getting lost/running away would be the biggest concern I can see and it would seem that they have enough experience with working dogs to take that into consideration.
Worrying about what if's in 6 months will not get you anything but more anxiety....

I agree with @Mini Horses ... this is hard but you are not getting past Heath as far as Fen is concerned and it is hurting you both.

I have debated over and over about sending this.,... and decided that you may hate me forever and we have never met in person... BUT.... I am only trying to see it from a different direction for you to try to consider.

 

[peteyfoozer]

I totally understand and see where you are coming from and no, of course I don’t hate you for your honesty or for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it.
Thank you