Canesisters 2023 journal - turning my Disasters into Delights

[farmerjan]

I am so sorry for your dad's tumble.....and glad it was not worse.
Yes it is pride and EMBARRASSMENT that he is not the big strong tough provider like he was for 50-60-70 years... Most men are like that. And to have a "daughter" take care of them seems to be even worse than to have a son, or a son and wife do it... demeaning to their pride. My father preferred to have paid help than to have family except for what my brother did and he just "overpowered" them with his brash ways... plus he was not there all the time but for a few months and then went back to his life for several months (or only weeks) at a time with an occasional quick 2-3 day visit....
There are no good solutions, but you and your sister need to have a long talk between yourselves....and have a united "front" in whatever you sit and talk to him about...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sister.....

 

[SageHill]

Oh man. Not an easy time. Yeah pride etc. You are already doing what you can and then some. Any more and he’d make it ugly. Hugs.

 

[Ridgetop]

This is the bad time - between when they won't face needing the help and accepting it. My FIL would have been the same way except my MIL had Alzheimers and he decided to go into assisted living with an Alzheimer unit.

Once Blossom is in the freezer, maybe you and your sister can convince hm to come for a "visit". Not sure what you can do about the cleaning problem. Some people don't like others (strangers) puttering about their homes. Is there a senior center where he could go and play cards or chess etc. during the time the cleaner is working?

 

[canesisters]

Sis & I will talk it over this week. She is much more of a 'take charge & make it happen - like it or not' kind of person. I know that trying to make him do ANYTHING he doesn't choose on his own will be a disaster.

I'm thinking that the best way to approach it will be to go ahead and set up the 2 rooms in a fairly close proximity to a bedroom & den. One is already a study/guest room & I'm already cleaning it up & making it nice for my sister to use. Then invite him up for dinner and a movie once a week, or lunch after church - maybe enlist help from a couple of friends to make them super casual 'dinner & a movie' or board game night or something. The last time he spent more than a day here was during a terrible ice storm when the entire county was out of power for nearly 2 weeks - not at all a relaxing environment. But anyway, if he will start to feel more comfortable here then he won't be as resistant to the idea.
And if I add in what a huge help it would be to me - especially as cold weather comes in - to have someone who could be home with Birdie, and who might then be able to start dinner with a bag of stuff to dump in the crock pot, etc...
Maybe he'll come to the conclusion that he might want to consider the move on his own.
It's not something that has to happen this weekend, I just want to be careful to not hurt his feelings & pride.

@Ridgetop he's never been interested in any of those sorts of things. He DOES attend a monthly gathering at the church called BOP (Beautiful Older People) but he doesn't socialize, he sets up, serves meals, cleans up.. Serving is his thing, and that's going to be the key - I think. If he can be useful by doing something, then it's more attractive to him.

 

[farmerjan]

You might also want to present a united front with your sister on the fact that .....IF.... you hadn't been the one to find him and get help from that nice couple that stopped... anyone else would have called the police and the rescue and he would not have had a choice but to be taken to the hospital.... until they could find a relative or someone to come " take responsibility" for him. Explain that like it or not... the laws would override his wishes and that they could force the issue of him being detained as the police do not have time or resources to deal with "helping him" if he fell, out in the street again.... there are all these laws nowadays for elder care/abuse/neglect.... and he was out in the public when this happened... not in his front yard or his house...
Make it sound like hey, we need to work together here or they could come after me(us) for not taking proper steps to insure that everyone is okay....
I would contact the church group that he "helps with" and see if they have any programs to maybe help to keep him occupied and going within their framework.... they know him a little so might have some suggestions...
In some areas, maybe not here, but with someone who falls etc like that, there are agencies that can "take over" and he might not like what they decide for him and if he is deemed to not be responsible, could make choices for him... like the foster care system for kids, but for seniors instead.... and get shuttled into a place he doesn't want to be and with care that is not adequate....

They want to be the one that is still needed and providing a service to others... but in some ways they need the attention and are "needy" also... finding the balance is going to be tough...
You two might want to find a senior center that has an advisor... again maybe through this group he works with/for.... and get some advice because it could get into legal issues also... these type groups deal with these stubborn prideful people all the time...and know tricks and ways to make things work and other agencies that can help guide you in this....

 

[SageHill]

if I add in what a huge help it would be to me

I think this is a bingo. Even though you may not need his help and would have to nod your head in how much he is helping and how much it "puts him out".
While all the other things are spot on I'm guessing he's one stubborn dude and no matter all the other stuff one can say/do/or point he'd just push back harder with his own "logic".
Bless you for being there for him (you are far better than I).

 

[canesisters]

Dogs are empathic, that's part of why we love them so much. But I'm starting to wonder a little about some of Birdie's behaviors. Is she just an emotional & responsive dog? Or has she, maybe, had some training as some sort of assistance dog?? When Dad fell the other day she was INSISTANT on getting in his lap. In my panic over him, I was NOT a good trainer/dog mom - I tried to get her to sit off to the side or even just run loose; but to get away. And no matter how much yelling or even a couple of pops on her hips and then her nose, she WAS GOING to get in his lap! I had to tie her to the mailbox post to get out of the way, and then she nearly choked herself to death. Once he was up, she was fine again. Thinking back, when Chaos was so sick, there were a few times when I was on the floor cleaning his crate and started crying and she suddenly HAD to be in the middle of everything. Not so much while I was just cleaning, but as soon as I was distressed - she was ALL up in my face.

I might spend a little time on the floor or on the ground while actually paying attention to her behavior. I SOOO wish I had any info on her past.

 

[Mini Horses]

Even with no formal training, some dogs -- and cats -- have a born in sense/detection of things that we just can't understand. Those are the things "trainers" hone in on. But this may be something within her that caused her anxiety at your leaving.

You might be able to investigate further by finding a service dog trainer for a discussion about what they see in behaviours, how they train, etc. It's interesting as Birdie has always had some attitude concerns that seemed unusual, yet very determined, sometimes beyond the everyday dog

When she was "in his lap" did she do anything at that point? Seem to need to do thing? I know you were in a state of chaos, finding him down, an excited dog, and all -- but, think now, did she seem to have an agenda beyond this contact?

 

[Baymule]

I’m so glad you found your Dad instead of him laying there for a long time. I hope it was a simple not paying attention and stumbling instead of the falling down that plagues seniors.

He will not come live with you until it is a last resort. His independence is at stake here. His house may be a mess, but it’s his mess and he’s happy there. He may eat frozen dinners, but that’s how he copes with meal times, and it goes back to his independence.

You will have to tread lightly and carefully here. Good move on suggesting the empty bedroom and plenty of space for him.

 

[canesisters]

When she was "in his lap" did she do anything at that point? Seem to need to do thing? I know you were in a state of chaos, finding him down, an excited dog, and all -- but, think now, did she seem to have an agenda beyond this contact?

I was so focused trying to find out if he had any serious injury that my only focus was on her was getting her out of the way. Thinking back and trying to picture the moment, she had her head down - not trying to lick is face in the typical "Ooooh lets play!", just down low, and, I don't remember her trying to paw at him or stomp around like I would expect if she was trying to play, just putting her front feet in his lap and standing there all humped up in the middle - wiggling her butt some.
But I can't really trust my impression - I was Not focused on her in that moment.